I won't even speak of the weather BECAUSE IT'S UNSPEAKABLE.
You can't break me, Weather.
Everyone knows that the only cure for the cold is wood type. And alcohol.
Jen and I have been having a debate about the next birthday card. And by debate, I mean she is, like, "I don't care." Doesn't she know the dangers of Not Caring??
ANYWAY, here's the card. BTW, that's a vulture, waiting for you to die.
I had a pretty big realization when I was 23. This revelation came as I was drifting off to sleep and caused me to sit straight up in bed.
CRUELLA DE VIL = CRUEL DEVIL!!! How could I have been so blind for so long?!
No matter. Here's a card.
Is that a true story?? They wouldn't print it if it wasn't true.
Sally Struthers says that for about four dollars, you can buy a Starbucks Caffé Latte Venti… In the Zeichen Press Shop, for just four dollars a day, you can bring laughter to someone who may or may not have been laughing.
I heard a story about a Minnesota fur trader.
Tromping through the snow in seasonably cold weather, sans Northface winter gear and, more importantly, SANS Smartwool socks — he found his feet to be frozen solid. Frozen like a forgotten chuck roast buried under the pile of pizzas and popsicles.
Simply dragged his body through the snow until warmish accommodations were reached, asked the hardy men in the room for an awl, punctured his feet, and had those same hardy men pour brandy over his numb tootsies.
It's time to free ourselves from the shackles of this social networking monster.
We are ignorant prisoners, dragging our metal cups across the bars while our warden stuffs his fat face with naturally-cased wieners.
We are school children, wandering like Wii avatars, waiting for the bell to ring only to be called in to diagram sentences.
We are the Israelites crushed by our taskmasters, waiting for the supernatural smiting of the Egyptians.
Rise up, people. Stop rowing the slave ship. The candy tasted so good before we got in the van, but now we must be deprogrammed. Make no mistake about it — this is some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. Oh, the candy… so sweet, so forbidden, so Turkish-Delighty.
Oh, but it's done now. No point in looking back. Friend requests, status updates, profile pictures — word combinations unwittingly added to the English lexicon!
I've got a word for you: insidious.
Never has there been such a tool, such a divisive tool. It wears a party hat and mixes the strongest drinks, watching the party-goers behave like jackasses. Why?
Ask son-of-a-dentist/billionaire, Mark Zuckerberg. Mr. Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment during the writing of this, and it's no wonder. He's in Palo Alto, counting his drug money. I'm booking a flight to Palo Alto and am either going to personally punch him in the face or flatter him until he hires me as his "personal secretary." The second scenario is obviously more lucrative. The point is, I will no longer be in this creepy symbiotic relationship.
That's the sound that March makes — that and a muffled sobbing. February triggers cabin fever but March in Minnesota is far more dangerous.
Here's a story about March: One Christmas, Santa put a baby albino rabbit under the tree — so delightful!
The little rabbit grew into a big rabbit and by the next Winter, our basement smelled like the bunny barn at the State Fair. With scraps of wood and a bale of hay, I built an outdoor rabbit hutch.
In a pinch, it could serve as a coffin for an adult man.
By March it was buried under several feet of snow and I'd order my eldest to go spend time with the rabbit in the snow coffin.
The moral of the story is: Get a dog.
And it can be done from the comfort of your own home!
If you're like me (don't worry, you're not) you don't like to "leave" your house or "go" anywhere.
We are excited to welcome him aboard!
And we hope we don't scare him away with our love for Franimals and wine.
In the belly of the Good Ship Whistlesnot sat two strangers — one called Captain Fatchtinkle and the other, Timtim Lipskin.
They chatted like two gentlemen between rounds of whiskey-pong and Password and it wasn't long before discovering they shared a passion for shuffleboard.