Think and pray...honestly, I think I'd rather see you happy as a Witness than Miserable as an Xdub...though I'd rather seee you happy as an ex dub.
It's all made up. Nothing of it is true. Nothing! It's a book printing and real estate development company. No new world, no Armageddon, no petting lions. Sorry.
You're right that points 1 and 2 are wrong. If they are wrong, everything based on them is also wrong: jesus (he believed in noah and the flood), that there is a bible god, That the bible is just another book. That the wt wasn't chosen by god and is an abusive cult.
The tough part is living without those beliefs, at least for a while for most people.
Joy, how long have you been disfellowshipped?
Re: Your point about being punished by death.
If God is Real, there is no death. If death is real there is no God!
I believe that it is God's will that we all make it. Nothing can defeat the will of God, especially the Watchtower and Bible Tract Society.
The love shown to you was misplaced.
People shown me love until I left the congregation and was instantly cast aside. What kind of love is that? Conditioned love, who needs friends like these?
I know what you mean and why you are confused, because sometimes you miss the Kingdom Hall and everything associated with it. I miss the kingdom melodies and the hope that I once had for the future. Now it is all gone, and I must face harsh realities. Theres a fine line between being a dreamer and a realist; sometimes you become so real that you lose all hope.
But think of what you stand to gain. Think of getting your life back, being in control of your own life. You are no longer designed to parrot the opinions of your spiritual superiors, because you can think for yourself.
Whatever you chose, be happy. But think logically; if you were to return, you would live in denial. After everything you have learnt about the Organization, why return now?
I hope that whatever your choice, you are happy.
(((Joysome))) I understand how you feel -- this is a logical progression of leaving a high-control group like Jehovah's Witnesses. Is there life after leaving the organization? Can you find fulfillment, acceptance and love somewhere else? YES!!! I like the idea of volunteering -- find something that YOU are interested in helping with (elderly, abused children, children in ICU, pets -- whatever you feel passionate about) and volunteer. DEFINITELY go to a meet-up of ex-JWs in your area -- that way you will find people who understand exactly what you've been through and what you're going through. It will help, I guarantee! You might also try a therapist, if you can find one in your area who has counseled Jehovah's Witnesses before. It helped me tremendously.
As for your mother, all that guilt crap is about her, not about you. You can choose to buy into it (I did for years and years) but I will tell you positively that it won't make you feel any better. She'll just find other ways to yank your chain, and at the end of the day it's your life you need to make better, not hers. It was a big leap for me to realize that if I didn't do things my mother's way she wasn't really going to die, or lose any more sleep than she already was losing. And if she did it was her choice, not mine.
You are feeling exactly the way they want you to feel. My sister was df'd shortly after I was, and I remember her lamenting that she's not going to stay out long, because she wanted to have friends again...she was back in a year. I don't think she gave herself a chance that she was able to make real friends on the outside. Yes, there is a lot of love shown, but now there is not...to me that's conditional love, and no love for someone should be based on that. My first year was really tough, because you have to start all over again....and this is the time you really find out who you are. In the faith you were the faith, and no real identity of your own, and now, you have that chance to form your own identity....join some sport and social club, get involved w/people at work....you will make friends in time...and real ones, give it a chance. I didn't stand in my sister's way, because I know her....she's extremely introverted and never really knew how to make friends, being in an organization like that suits her....it's spoon feeding, and no effort needed really, just follow their rules and be quiet.
Give yourself time, you'll be fine, and in the long run, a lot happier, trust me.
As others have mentioned, the love you miss is totally conditional upon you conforming to every whim of the Watchtower Society. I think you know that. You also need to give yourself time to find out who you are, what you really want to do with your life, and start building up relationships outside the WTS. It's slow, but it's exhilarating!
As for the guilt, do yourself a favor and read up on co-dependence issues. This is a huge problem in many, many families, not just depressive JWs. I know, since I come from a family with alcoholism problems. You need information right now, good, well-researched information on family dynamics and co-dependence. This will help you tremendously in learning about your mother's depression and how not to buy into it.
None of the above is easy. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it. As most of the ones here can tell you, you are definitely worth it.