The dilemma I've never been one of those women who has intense female friendships. I have not been anyone's bridesmaid. I don't get called when there is a crisis. The boyfriend of my oldest – and one of my closest – friends, died suddenly last spring, just before they were due to move in together. It has been utterly devastating. He was the best man she had been with for a long time, if not ever, and it happened barely a year into their relationship.
To start with, I used to see her every couple of weeks and text her nearly every day. This continued for a while, although I wasn't there for some big moments because I didn't know what questions to ask or what I could do besides being a listening ear. But since telling her I would be moving in with my own boyfriend, our communication has dropped off. I was dreading telling her because she'd been upset about another friend's engagement. I miss her so much, but understand the developments in my own life might remind her of what she has lost and make things worse. She is getting bereavement counselling and seeing other friends. I'm worried that because I am quite a closed-off person I will lose a wonderful friend. Is this a case of "If you love them, let them go"? Should I embrace the selfish feelings I am having and get on with my life?
Mariella replies Yes and no. But mostly no! I'm not sure who precipitated the dwindling communication between you, but it definitely shouldn't continue in this vein. Death is one of a small number of big events in life that we are badly equipped to deal with. Although inevitable, it's something we dread confronting and imagine that by blocking our ears and humming loudly it will go away. Your girlfriend has had a terrible shock and is dealing with feelings and issues I daresay she never imagined and has no experience in addressing. That's exactly the moment when friendship is at its most valuable.
You're making the common mistake of thinking that because you have no wisdom to impart you have nothing to offer. In a world loud with noise, sometimes the most valuable contribution is that listening ear. There's no advice you can give or salient experience you can recount that will make your friend magically recover. She needs time and the kindness of friends and family to carry her though this mourning period. Her sense of loss may be exacerbated when she watches those around her enjoy experiences she was looking forward to, but it doesn't mean that maintaining distance is the way to protect her from pain. Little by little she will emerge back into a world that has continued to spin, where people have fallen in love, babies have been born and lovers discarded. The brutal truth is that life can, must and will go on – and keeping a low profile won't solve anything.
How you share your experiences with her is important. You appear to presume that moving in with your boyfriend is a prize to be coveted and her greatest loss in her bereavement. A reality check on that score might help prevent you from gloating in her presence. Shacking up together is a lifestyle choice and no guarantee of a happily-ever-after. I'm guessing you are both young and so it's hard to understand that moving in with a lover isn't the beginning of adult life, or a seal on your romantic existence, but just one of many experiences you'll accrue along the way.
You say it's worse as they had only recently met, but I suspect that will make it easier. When someone has been your companion through a vast tract of your life their absence can loom ever larger as time passes. It doesn't mean she'll mourn him less now, but soon their short period together will recede from her immediate memory and, bit by bit, dwindle into the distance.
So, back to you. You don't need to have an "intense friendship" in order to display an interest in the lives of others and this is the perfect opportunity to try opening up. It would be a dreadfully dull world if we all had the same skills, responses and ways of dealing with the difficulties of existence. If we were all brilliantly supportive, functional and wise, great listeners, intuitive, understanding and able to clear pristine paths through tremendously tangled emotional terrain, we'd cause a crush of concern every time a friend had a dilemma.
You appear to have a good understanding of where your strengths lie, which is a healthy position to be in. You're worried about what to say, when all that is required is listening. I doubt your girlfriend is looking for a magic remedy or expecting you to accompany her to the nearest nunnery. What she might enjoy is a chance to be together without focusing either on her loss or your upcoming "gain" of a live-in boyfriend.
If life plays out in the way it has a habit of doing, it won't be long before you're looking to her for advice and a listening ear. So prise open your clam-like exterior, show her patience, commitment and empathy, and hope she does likewise when the day inevitably comes that you, too, need a shoulder to cry on.