I'm listening to My Dearest by Supercell, the Guilty Crown opening version. It seems to soothe the jagged cuts of my heart, reminding me that I have Rhys, and my children, and Aff to live for, and I need to eventually claw my way out of this pit of grief. Rhys is the one who introduced me to the series, so it is fitting that when I listen to the song, I think of him. The whole song is fitting for me, and I imagine that I am the one singing this to him. He can't imagine, he says, being with anyone except me, despite all the sorrow and problems that my being a living curse seems to bring.
This is life, and I'll see it to the end.
I want to thank you for sharing your grief with us and letting us grieve with you.
Grief is probably one of the most isolating experiences I know of, especially the death of a child. Nobody knows what to say, or react, so RL this quickly gets uncomfortable, awkward. It's not easy to get past my own desire not to bother those I care for and bottle it up. I'm making myself write about it. Hopefully someone else will read about this, and feel they're not alone.
I haven't yet gone to the McDonalds that we usually go to; and there's this super adorable cute young Filipina-Aussie girl working there who used to squee over how cute Rhys and I looked together, and how he visibly doted on me. She also went squee when we brought Brandon with us one week because Aff wanted to treat everyone to burgers, and she got to cuddle Brandon. She was so happy to hold him. She'll cry when she finds out he's gone… Ditto the girls at the grocery who loved being able to coo and cuddle our little boy; one of them let slip she never could have any of her own so she was happy that I let her cuddle.
I would be crying for you if I still could. Use this, Pour the grief and the pain onto the page, open up that vein and let it flow. It will never replace what you have lost, but it will honor Brandon in one of the best ways you can.
*hugs* Thanks. I'm glad to have made a new friend.