Expert Help for Your Fantasy Baseball Franchise
Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Adding A Zombie To Your Fantasy Baseball Team
by Rick Paulas
What kind of hitter is the typical zombie?
Government-sanctioned laboratory experiments show us that the zombie can learn short, repetitive tasks like flipping a switch, licking an envelope (despite lacking saliva-production capabilities), and checking e-mail. Recognizing a strike zone or sitting on an inside, belt-high fastball is a different story, however. Like Adam Dunn, the zombie strikes out often. Unlike Adam Dunn, the zombie never hits home runs. Or doubles.
What can I expect from my zombie on the basepaths?
Due to the zombie's stiff-legged, arms-straight-to-the-front running style, the zombie has "Mo Vaughn carrying an El Camino on his back" speed. Do not expect the zombie to successfully steal on anyone other than Mike Piazza.
On the plus side, the zombie cannot slide, which makes him great at breaking up the double play by taking a ball off the schnoz Posada-style. Being impervious to pain, the zombie will not need to go on the DL when this does happen. Unfortunately, the zombie's hunger for the second baseman's brains makes him easy prey to a decent pickoff move.
Will my zombie be at least adequate in the field?
Because he cannot bend at the knees, the zombie routinely lets routine grounders through his legs. When a ball does land in his glove, his throws are heavily inaccurate. Zombies are always heckled with shouts of "Buckner!," "Knoblauch!," or "Where's your brain?!"
Can zombies pitch?
Without the proper torque of a healthy shoulder (the rotator-cuff muscle deteriorates after death), the zombie lacks the ability to throw with power. Top speed: 45 mph.
Couldn't a zombie maybe be a knuckleballer?
Despite rumors to the contrary regarding the unprecedented length of Gaylord Perry's career, there is very little evidence to suggest that he was one of the undead.
Unfortunately, when throwing the knuckler, the zombie breaks off his fingertips, meaning the pitch can be thrown only once. Ideally, the zombie could come into the game as a left- or right-handed relief specialist; the dead are ambidextrous.
Can a zombie break out with instruction from the right coach?
The zombie does not take direction well, due to his constant fixation on brain consumption. If given the opportunity, the zombie will devour his manager.
Also, the zombie is on the downslope of his career, no longer in the physical shape he was once in, due to death. What the zombie lacks in superstar potential, he does not make up in consistent production; the zombie does not produce.
If a zombie is traded midseason,
what effect will he have on his new team?
Because of the zombie's Olsen twins-like marketability (selling out even Montreal's Olympic Stadium), at least one team will take the bait and acquire a zombie via trade.
The zombie has always been described as a "clubhouse cancer" by his ex-teammates, due to the fact that the zombie tries to eat them. Also, his refusal to bunt teammates into scoring position is unacceptable. The zombie is selfish. Expect lower numbers from his new teammates.
All that said, I still think I'd like to add a zombie to my roster. Who are the best zombie prospects currently in the majors?
Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee is a zombie from April through mid-June. Dodgers catcher Paul Lo Duca is usually infected by the zombie virus around the All-Star break. Ken Griffey Jr. seems to have exited his zombie period of 2001-2003. The entire Boston Red Sox team turns into zombies by late October.
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