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jameson68
I've become part of the problem Sept 15, 2022 16:03:05 GMT -5 ironhamster and mirrororchid like this
Post by jameson68 on Sept 15, 2022 16:03:05 GMT -5
I'll wanted to keep this brief but in matters this important context is vital so I hope I keep you engaged long enough to get to the end. I'm 47 and have been married for three years, together for six. The relationship with my wife is unlike any of my previous relationships, perhaps because we met later in life, I'm not entirely sure.
I have always enjoyed sex immensely and my previous relationships were based on a strong physical attraction and a very adventurous, fulfilling sex life but like anything that burns so hot it eventually burns out and the physical attraction became less important and less of a priority as other factors that made us incompatible took over.
When I met my wife we connected differently. There were no butterflies, no hot pursuit despite her being a very attractive woman. There was something special about her and we just clicked. From the day we met we kept in contact, messaging each other daily and constantly. The conversation flowed effortlessly and she stimulated my mind. I had a wild past and used drugs and alcohol as a crutch. I had my drinking under control before we'd met and replaced my time in the pub with time in the gym but I was smoking weed daily when we met. By God's grace I progressed in my career and am financially secure and doing well. She calmed my demons and made me want to be a better man.
We have very different backgrounds - hers being very conservative so topics like sex and sexuality were not part of her upbringing. Despite the differences we had a reasonably good sex life starting out so there were no red flags. She had an adventurous streak that was very promising but had been cheated on and had trust issues that I was sympathetic to and it explained any reluctance she had to explore her sexuality with me fully.
Three years ago I got the opportunity to emigrate and start working in another country. I wanted to continue my life with her because it's just better with her in it and we got married. I left our home country six months before she did, the day after we got married so we never had a traditional honeymoon. She didn't trust technology so was very hesitant to send pics or videos and we only sexted a handful of times (considering her trust concerns I accepted this as being reasonable despite being very frustrated).
Once she'd arrived it took some time to settle in and sex was infrequent - I put it down to stress. After some time I spoke to her about how I was feeling and how much I needed physical intimacy (and sex!). Physical touch is my love language but not hers -I know hers and appreciate the way she shows her love towards me. I have no doubt that she loves me.
I bought toys, lingerie, asked her to watch porn with me (she gets embarrassed seeing nudity on TV) sent Medium articles on the topic, shared my fantasies etc etc I tried it all but no progress. Eventually my confidence died. I am physically fit, have a good body, good hygiene, teeth etc so rejection really hurts. I thought she'd open up more once we were married - she indicated that she would but it never happened.
Fast forward to a few months ago - we got pregnant but had a miscarriage. We wanted a child but rather than try naturally she pressed for IVF citing health and age concerns. Fair enough given the miscarriage but we didn't even TRY to get pregnant naturally. IVF worked and as the pregnancy progressed the hormones kicked in. She started getting horny but by this point I've withdrawn completely- I've lost all interest and resort to porn and masturbation. I don't want to cheat on her and haven't but I feel incredibly unfulfilled. I help around the house, change nappies, help with the baby, do diy, work in the garden etc. I'm do my part.
I can't kiss and be affectionate with someone who doesn't want to satisfy me physically. I need to feel wanted and desired but I simply aren't despite explaining how I feel and what I need. I've started chatting to a woman on Onlyfans so I'm basically paying a lot of money to 'feel' desired and getting no physical satisfaction.
I feel defeated.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
northstarmom
Post by northstarmom on Sept 15, 2022 18:51:17 GMT -5
jameson68 wrote: "Fast forward to a few months ago - we got pregnant but had a miscarriage. We wanted a child but rather than try naturally she pressed for IVF citing health and age concerns. Fair enough given the miscarriage but we didn't even TRY to get pregnant naturally. IVF worked and as the pregnancy progressed the hormones kicked in. She started getting horny but by this point I've withdrawn completely- I've lost all interest and resort to porn and masturbation."
What you wrote stood out to me here because there are a lot of stories here about sex stopping on honeymoons, and restarting only after the refuser wants to get pregnant. But in those stories, the refuser starts refusing again -- typically permanently-- after a pregnancy results. Yours is the first story I've read here in which the refuser gets horney while pregnant, but their spouse has lost interest. For that reason, it seems that there may be hope for sex in your marriage, more hope of that than for most people who land here.
Yours might actually be a sexless marriage that could be helped by marriage counseling with a counselor who's experienced in sex therapy. Have you considered that?
And what does this mean: "Once she'd arrived it took some time to settle in and sex was infrequent "? Once a week sex? Once a month sex? Once every six months sex?
I don't understand why resorting to IVF made sense to you. It's expensive. Seems that intercourse at the fertile time in her cycle would have been just as effective and much more fun.
Last Edit: Sept 15, 2022 18:55:18 GMT -5 by northstarmom
Tread your own path
I've become part of the problem Sept 15, 2022 20:53:25 GMT -5
Post by baza on Sept 15, 2022 20:53:25 GMT -5
Had your post been a year or two ago Brother jameson68 (before the baby) I think there would have been many warnings from the membership here urging you "not to get her pregnant until you had sorted out the issues in your marriage".
It's a bit late now for that.
But for anyone in an ILIASM deal it is still good advice.
Having a child rarely helps a struggling relationship, in fact the additional pressure is more likely to amplify the underlying problems.
Anyway, you've got what you've got, and that's what you have to deal with.
At this stage, extensive reading here might be a worthwile thing to do, just to get a handle on what you are dealing with.
Sister northstarmom 's suggestion re counselling could be helpful too.
If your missus is reluctant to embrace this, then individual counselling (just to help you through the maze) just for you could have value as well.
Welcome to the group Brother jameson68 .
Last Edit: Sept 16, 2022 1:03:57 GMT -5 by baza
mirrororchid
Formerly sexless. SM in remission, Nov. 2019
Age Range: 51-55
I've become part of the problem Sept 16, 2022 6:01:20 GMT -5
Post by mirrororchid on Sept 16, 2022 6:01:20 GMT -5
Sept 15, 2022 18:51:17 GMT -5 northstarmom said:
jameson68 wrote: "as the pregnancy progressed the hormones kicked in. She started getting horny but by this point I've withdrawn completely- I've lost all interest and resort to porn and masturbation."
Yours is the first story I've read here in which the refuser gets horney while pregnant, but their spouse has lost interest. For that reason, it seems that there may be hope for sex in your marriage, more hope of that than for most people who land here.
This is referred to, locally, as "counter-refusing".
How did "horniness" get expressed in such a way that porn was more appealing and a cyber-escort on Onlyfans made you 'feel' desired, but a "horny" woman didn't? Was it a quickie and you wanted the 7-course meal version?
In an ideal world, how would you see your sexual relationship heal or improve?
The refusal may come home to roost. She may remind you of it and suggest refusal is the right of either spouse since you exercised it.
Addressing your lack of interest is a necessary step, even though it could lead to enough frustration to do something drastic.
I'm even inclined to ask whether changing anything makes sense. You suspect she doesn't want sex. You say you don't want any from her.
You're golden.
She wants the romantic touching, but that gets your engine revved unpleasantly?
There may be some courses of action for that. Maybe.
There's so much more to explore, but this portion of your story is the one, as NorthStarMom pointed out, that is quite uncommon.
Last Edit: Sept 19, 2022 9:16:42 GMT -5 by mirrororchid
I've become part of the problem Sept 16, 2022 10:32:49 GMT -5 northstarmom, ironhamster, and 1 more like this
Thanks for the feedback northstarmom, I'll reply to your questions in reverse order since I think a possible solution lies in the first one.
RE IVF: My wife is 42 and had been conditioned or convinced by friends, literature etc that the chances of falling pregnant after the age of 40 began to decline and that the age carried inherent risks. IVF is paid for by the government in the country we moved to but you get three attempts and you can only try up to the age of 43. She was 41 when she fell pregnant. As I mentioned in my original post I had misused drugs and alcohol in my past so when we had a miscarriage all of her worst fears were realized. Since IVF is a form of natural selection and the best quality sperm is selected she wanted to follow that route. I was sympathetic to her fears and understood where she was coming from. It came down to practicality - she's very structured in her thinking and went full project manager mode.
Infrequency: Roughly once a month. Two or three at most. I don't recall the exact number I just know it wasn't the kind of 'I've missed you' sex I was expecting.
Finally: Yes, I agree entirely that counselling could/would help. I am in no doubt that she loves me and I love her. Every other aspect of our marriage is both rewarding and satisfying so I owe it to myself to try every avenue to resolve the one (albeit significant) issue we have.
Thanks again for your input.
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