text
string | score
int64 | upvote_ratio
float64 | num_comments
int64 | created_utc
float64 | url
string | id
string | subreddit
string | author
string | source_endpoint
string |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Financial woes forced me to falsify my qualifications to get that job at the bakery. I kneaded the dough, badly.
| 375
| 0.98
| 14
| 1,727,964,718
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fv8p9v/financial_woes_forced_me_to_falsify_my/
|
1fv8p9v
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"Why are divorces so expensive ?" my soon to be ex-wife asked. "Because there worth it" I replied.
| 374
| 0.95
| 11
| 1,606,017,267
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jyp279/why_are_divorces_so_expensive_my_soon_to_be/
|
jyp279
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Quackcocaine69
|
top_all
|
"What the heck, dad?" questioned my daughter when she opened her gift. "It's beets from Dr. Draye's very own garden, just like you asked for," I replied, knowing full well that was *not* what she asked for.
| 374
| 0.96
| 15
| 1,739,804,879
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1irlxmm/what_the_heck_dad_questioned_my_daughter_when_she/
|
1irlxmm
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
They tell me when a bird poops on you it's good luck But this, this is just shit.
| 374
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,592,416,712
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hawg5h/they_tell_me_when_a_bird_poops_on_you_its_good/
|
hawg5h
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Seeing all the mannequins in different sexually suggestive positions every day really creeped out the staff. That is, until our boss reviewed the footage and fired the entire security team.
| 373
| 0.99
| 9
| 1,613,768,477
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lnqdts/seeing_all_the_mannequins_in_different_sexually/
|
lnqdts
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
I witnessed a murder this morning. But then the crows flew away.
| 373
| 0.96
| 6
| 1,726,056,737
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fe8krs/i_witnessed_a_murder_this_morning/
|
1fe8krs
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Protein8256
|
top_all
|
I laughed at how the news channel's typo spelled "CORVID-19 Emergency" on my TV screen as I put on my shoes to take out the trash. The moment I stepped outside, a ton of birds swooped down and carried me into the sky.
| 372
| 1
| 15
| 1,609,196,726
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/km1bfv/i_laughed_at_how_the_news_channels_typo_spelled/
|
km1bfv
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
What is the least spoken language om earth? Sign language.
| 372
| 0.97
| 10
| 1,589,030,064
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ggf89y/what_is_the_least_spoken_language_om_earth/
|
ggf89y
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
schepschutter
|
top_all
|
The plinth read, "Whosoever draws this sword shall be king of all the land." I got out my sketchpad and dreamed of my coronation.
| 372
| 1
| 7
| 1,734,899,098
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hk6vhv/the_plinth_read_whosoever_draws_this_sword_shall/
|
1hk6vhv
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
"you said you're nearsighted, can't see more than 50 cm or something, right?" asked my date, which I nodded to as an answer. "then why you always put down your glasses when facing me?"
| 371
| 0.97
| 7
| 1,598,478,969
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ih8eji/you_said_youre_nearsighted_cant_see_more_than_50/
|
ih8eji
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
trisk8ryridus
|
top_all
|
"They're heeeere" exclaimed my daughter, as she stared at the blank TV screen. She had seen the reflection of my in-laws walking up the garden path, arriving for their annual stay...for a WHOLE MONTH!!!
| 371
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,596,389,295
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i2fwe8/theyre_heeeere_exclaimed_my_daughter_as_she/
|
i2fwe8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
nenny123
|
top_all
|
I used to be obsessed with herons, but quit before I became an addict. I've had no egrets ever since.
| 370
| 0.99
| 29
| 1,732,806,520
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1h1xygw/i_used_to_be_obsessed_with_herons_but_quit_before/
|
1h1xygw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"Mommy theres a monster under my bed" - said my son "why do you hate me brother" - said my daughter
| 369
| 0.94
| 13
| 1,596,793,565
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i5axxf/mommy_theres_a_monster_under_my_bed_said_my_son/
|
i5axxf
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
McBeefyNuggey
|
top_all
|
When my little sister clawed at her throat and gasped for breath, I started googling frenetically. "Fast and energetic in a rather wild and uncontrolled way" - huh, interesting.
| 368
| 0.95
| 5
| 1,725,785,350
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fbtbni/when_my_little_sister_clawed_at_her_throat_and/
|
1fbtbni
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
salaryboy
|
top_all
|
My wife stood up, scowled, and said to me "you're a horrible worthless tiny-dicked man and I never loved you" as she walked out of my life and the front door. Looking back, I should have expected that but I didn't know silicone dolls had that feature.
| 365
| 0.93
| 9
| 1,729,476,330
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g8f38a/my_wife_stood_up_scowled_and_said_to_me_youre_a/
|
1g8f38a
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheGreatGameDini
|
top_all
|
My brother kept complaining about how uniforms "stifle creativity and oppress others by promoting conformity". That is until I pointed out that he and his buddies keep dismissing potential roommates for not looking "punk" enough.
| 365
| 0.96
| 17
| 1,605,578,130
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jvk86c/my_brother_kept_complaining_about_how_uniforms/
|
jvk86c
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
You heard a tap at the door. Let that sink in.
| 364
| 0.99
| 13
| 1,610,755,368
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ky7dd7/you_heard_a_tap_at_the_door/
|
ky7dd7
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
emzawemza05
|
top_all
|
As i sat in the coolth of the night, i heard their voices in my head, haunting me until my last breath. "Da Vinky?"
| 364
| 0.98
| 8
| 1,601,750,413
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j4kbui/as_i_sat_in_the_coolth_of_the_night_i_heard_their/
|
j4kbui
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
hackernnan
|
top_all
|
“That coughing is really ruining the mood,” my mother whispered at the funeral. So I took the initiative and removed Grandma’s coffin, but now I’m the rude one.
| 362
| 0.97
| 11
| 1,750,842,165
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1lk0pwp/that_coughing_is_really_ruining_the_mood_my/
|
1lk0pwp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
LevelQx
|
top_all
|
Being the last person alive on the planet isn't that much more lonely than before the world ended. I still can't believe a sexually transmitted disease killed everyone else in the world.
| 361
| 0.99
| 5
| 1,566,302,114
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/csxgzd/being_the_last_person_alive_on_the_planet_isnt/
|
csxgzd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Logic007
|
top_all
|
I asked my doctor where I should put my pants before my rectal exam. “Over there, next to mine”, was not the answer I wanted to hear.
| 361
| 1
| 10
| 1,584,616,837
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fl8f0d/i_asked_my_doctor_where_i_should_put_my_pants/
|
fl8f0d
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
MDan25
|
top_all
|
Why is 9 the best number for food Because you need 3-squared meals a day
| 359
| 0.97
| 7
| 1,606,771,202
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k45j4r/why_is_9_the_best_number_for_food/
|
k45j4r
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
mr_mike-2004
|
top_all
|
The urge to not sing the lion sleeps tonight is tough. It’s only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
| 359
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,597,665,434
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ibcqod/the_urge_to_not_sing_the_lion_sleeps_tonight_is/
|
ibcqod
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Ciocalatta
|
top_all
|
My dad was a ruthless man, until June 30th, 1992. This is the day he met my mom, Ruth
| 359
| 1
| 6
| 1,641,754,372
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/rzyief/my_dad_was_a_ruthless_man_until_june_30th_1992/
|
rzyief
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Whocaresdamit
|
top_all
|
The first time I went to a nude beach, I got my dick sucked by three thirsty females. If I had known the mosquitos would be so bad I would’ve at least worn some bug spray.
| 358
| 0.99
| 10
| 1,615,602,415
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m3x49b/the_first_time_i_went_to_a_nude_beach_i_got_my/
|
m3x49b
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IOughtToBeThrownAway
|
top_all
|
So a cop pulls over a car and three catholic priests are inside. “Sorry to stop you, but we’re looking for three child molesters.” The three priests look around at each other and after a moment’s consideration speak in unison: “We’re in!”
| 358
| 0.92
| 16
| 1,730,443,688
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ggzg3z/so_a_cop_pulls_over_a_car_and_three_catholic/
|
1ggzg3z
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
James-I-Mean-Jim
|
top_all
|
Will someone please explain exactly what LGBTQI really means? Because so far, no one has given me a straight answer!
| 358
| 0.94
| 12
| 1,728,764,961
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g293i5/will_someone_please_explain_exactly_what_lgbtqi/
|
1g293i5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheRaincrow
|
top_all
|
I hope I die quietly in my sleep like my dad... unlike the other people in the car.
| 358
| 0.96
| 5
| 1,607,703,298
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kb5qj8/i_hope_i_die_quietly_in_my_sleep_like_my_dad/
|
kb5qj8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
i_am_a_bot_764
|
top_all
|
I don’t really think I should have it checked out I mean if anything the lumps make the sex even better. Anyway your movie is going to be in theater number 10, enjoy!
| 357
| 0.98
| 12
| 1,594,207,678
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hnfd7m/i_dont_really_think_i_should_have_it_checked_out/
|
hnfd7m
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
epikness64
|
top_all
|
My wife and I will be enjoying a candlelight dinner and movie tonight On a totally unrelated note I had a delicious salami cheese and kimchi sandwich for lunch.
| 356
| 0.87
| 25
| 1,598,894,626
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ik2ayo/my_wife_and_i_will_be_enjoying_a_candlelight/
|
ik2ayo
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
dmgdwd
|
top_all
|
My doctor said I have to quit masturbating. When I asked why he said "because I'm trying to examine you."
| 355
| 0.97
| 9
| 1,613,851,101
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lof9s5/my_doctor_said_i_have_to_quit_masturbating/
|
lof9s5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
tony7914
|
top_all
|
"Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?" "They are a person, and you must hate everyone the same".
| 355
| 0.96
| 11
| 1,609,408,644
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/knncev/mommy_is_that_a_boy_or_a_girl/
|
knncev
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
Oh God, it's a Zombie Invasion!! "Mmmeehh....we consider it Zombie Peace Keeping mission....braaaiiiins...."
| 355
| 0.99
| 3
| 1,604,802,598
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jq3rnp/oh_god_its_a_zombie_invasion/
|
jq3rnp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IronMongerVi
|
top_all
|
[OCT2020] Funerals are great because of all the grieving ladies looking for comfort. It wasn't until I saw them gathered around the casket that I realized I would have some stiff competition.
| 353
| 0.99
| 10
| 1,602,359,555
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j8r1pq/oct2020_funerals_are_great_because_of_all_the/
|
j8r1pq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
My barber just told me she loves me! Man, my Mom is awesome.
| 353
| 1
| 4
| 1,597,493,108
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ia665j/my_barber_just_told_me_she_loves_me/
|
ia665j
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
AngooseTheC00t
|
top_all
|
When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens... These IKEA wardrobes are shit.
| 353
| 1
| 8
| 1,618,543,323
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mrusjp/when_one_door_closes_another_door_opens/
|
mrusjp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ClutchingMyTinkle
|
top_all
|
When I asked my boss for a raise, he took me aside and said, "I want you to think of us like family." I turned around and responded, "In that case, *Dad*, I'd like a raise in my allowance, please."
| 352
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,617,662,324
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mkwwfh/when_i_asked_my_boss_for_a_raise_he_took_me_aside/
|
mkwwfh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
Come on, what is with everyone's obsession with the afterlife? Jesus!
| 350
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,597,014,382
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i6t96w/come_on_what_is_with_everyones_obsession_with_the/
|
i6t96w
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SprawlingKeystrokes
|
top_all
|
"The worst part about being a pizza delivery driver is the fact you can smell it but you can't eat it". "Same man" replied the gynecologist.
| 348
| 0.89
| 18
| 1,735,531,485
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hpek82/the_worst_part_about_being_a_pizza_delivery/
|
1hpek82
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
memeticbeetle
|
top_all
|
Angered with the drunk woman who pushed my father down the stairs, I wore a giant three-eyed chicken costume and Batman’s cape and threw a bag of poop at her car in full view of her. When the woman later tried to tell the police that she “saw a three-eyed chicken wearing Batman’s cape throwing diarrhoea at her car”, the officer detecting alcohol in her breathe booked her for drink-driving instead.
| 348
| 0.95
| 4
| 1,743,682,816
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jqgy7z/angered_with_the_drunk_woman_who_pushed_my_father/
|
1jqgy7z
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Nessieinternational
|
top_all
|
The water in the pool was cold when I jumped in, but became very warm soon after. And now we’ve got floaters, because Lazy Larry didn’t want to get up and use an actual toilet!
| 348
| 0.95
| 10
| 1,606,406,354
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k1hnfp/the_water_in_the_pool_was_cold_when_i_jumped_in/
|
k1hnfp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
I have the extraordinary ability to make those around me laugh! They also feel the strange need to point at me.
| 347
| 1
| 4
| 1,609,114,714
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kley99/i_have_the_extraordinary_ability_to_make_those/
|
kley99
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
They say no child should ever die alone. That's why I'm letting my son invite some friends today!
| 346
| 0.91
| 36
| 1,725,358,164
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1f7w8el/they_say_no_child_should_ever_die_alone/
|
1f7w8el
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Initially I was flattered when my academic advisor notified me that she sent my college transcript to her case manager. My happiness quickly turned to horror when she stated that my university transcript had THE LOWEST GPA she had ever seen.
| 346
| 0.97
| 16
| 1,605,903,524
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jxwmqg/initially_i_was_flattered_when_my_academic/
|
jxwmqg
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CanadianBornChinese
|
top_all
|
I decided to swallow a tablet, since I hadn't had one in a while and it was routine for me. "What are you doing?!" Yelled the Apple employee as I did so.
| 346
| 0.94
| 14
| 1,728,676,483
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g1ij61/i_decided_to_swallow_a_tablet_since_i_hadnt_had/
|
1g1ij61
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
YourBoyCat478
|
top_all
|
While waiting for my roommate to return, I had a conversation with his visiting family about the importance of proper grammar in today's world. It was around dusk when I received his peculiar text that said "There were wolves!"
| 346
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,606,070,994
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jz10an/while_waiting_for_my_roommate_to_return_i_had_a/
|
jz10an
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
Being a man myself I was shocked to hear that 1 out of 10 men is homosexual. So you mean to tell me that out of the last 10 men I had sex with one of them was homosexual???!!!!
| 345
| 0.98
| 15
| 1,732,305,772
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gxgx5l/being_a_man_myself_i_was_shocked_to_hear_that_1/
|
1gxgx5l
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Artistic_Pomelo_5334
|
top_all
|
I've got good news, I used to think I was unlovable And I am an excellent judge of character.
| 345
| 0.99
| 4
| 1,593,333,611
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hhb1qr/ive_got_good_news_i_used_to_think_i_was_unlovable/
|
hhb1qr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
AnAbjectAge
|
top_all
|
Entering the bedroom, my father was pleased to see my brother and I were already on our knees. After my mother joined in, the four of us started praying for the souls of those who were having impure thoughts just now.
| 345
| 0.98
| 13
| 1,613,251,378
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lj9md0/entering_the_bedroom_my_father_was_pleased_to_see/
|
lj9md0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"Just a gram of it can kill a million lives!" Says the patient before taking his antibiotics.
| 345
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,615,813,236
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m5k5pp/just_a_gram_of_it_can_kill_a_million_lives/
|
m5k5pp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
The werewolf reeled back in terror, it's leathered skin smouldering as the silver was thrust towards his chest It was at that moment I realised my cheapskate boyfriend had lied about my bracelet being white gold...
| 344
| 0.99
| 9
| 1,612,919,805
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lgijj6/the_werewolf_reeled_back_in_terror_its_leathered/
|
lgijj6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Plmode1
|
top_all
|
I smashed the hammer down repeatedly on the head as my husband screamed at me to stop Somehow I had missed the head of the nail with every swing, but had managed to hit my husband's hand every time
| 343
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,614,692,401
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lw268l/i_smashed_the_hammer_down_repeatedly_on_the_head/
|
lw268l
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
When My Girlfriend is Depressed, I Let Her Color in My Tattoos. She really likes having a shoulder to crayon...
| 342
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,648,100,736
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/tlyuk1/when_my_girlfriend_is_depressed_i_let_her_color/
|
tlyuk1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ClutchingMyTinkle
|
top_all
|
I am the legacy of my dad, a footwear fetishist. Which means I’ve got some huge shoes to fill.
| 341
| 1
| 3
| 1,608,315,281
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kfqejc/i_am_the_legacy_of_my_dad_a_footwear_fetishist/
|
kfqejc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
yellowAbleWheel
|
top_all
|
[DEC2020] Sitting on Santa's lap is fun because I can ask him what I want for Christmas. But he always replies "Son, you're forty, get a job and move out".
| 340
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,608,582,862
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/khplgp/dec2020_sitting_on_santas_lap_is_fun_because_i/
|
khplgp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
Yesterday my friend told me the funniest thing. "2020 isn't that bad"
| 339
| 0.93
| 13
| 1,606,921,087
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k5apm4/yesterday_my_friend_told_me_the_funniest_thing/
|
k5apm4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
0-naske-0
|
top_all
|
To the person who sent my children boxes of LEGO sets and bags of glitter last Christmas: I hate you from the bottom of my heart and I wish you nothing but pain, damnation and despair for all of eternity!
| 339
| 0.92
| 16
| 1,610,451,938
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kvq5y6/to_the_person_who_sent_my_children_boxes_of_lego/
|
kvq5y6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
My doc told me it was normal to cum during a prostate exam. I would have preferred if he hadn’t
| 338
| 0.98
| 5
| 1,695,823,702
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/16tlm3a/my_doc_told_me_it_was_normal_to_cum_during_a/
|
16tlm3a
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
spywaregames93
|
top_all
|
I was sad that I couldn't change my username in Reddit. But then I saw someone with the username "SpongySemen" and I really don't feel bad about my username anymore.
| 338
| 1
| 23
| 1,747,595,421
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kprsex/i_was_sad_that_i_couldnt_change_my_username_in/
|
1kprsex
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
obsidianFURY414
|
top_all
|
Instead of a PB&J, my scientist wife decided she just wanted jelly sandwich, and wanted it right away. She told me to get the lead out.
| 338
| 0.97
| 9
| 1,750,082,564
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1lctmll/instead_of_a_pbj_my_scientist_wife_decided_she/
|
1lctmll
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
I was blesed with a huge Penis. The priest is in prison now
| 338
| 0.99
| 13
| 1,618,210,807
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mp8l2u/i_was_blesed_with_a_huge_penis/
|
mp8l2u
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Smieles
|
top_all
|
I hate when engineering students call themselves engineers. Like, you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed...
| 338
| 0.81
| 110
| 1,602,166,791
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j7dvfe/i_hate_when_engineering_students_call_themselves/
|
j7dvfe
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
JeromeTheFerret
|
top_all
|
As a treat to myself, I decided to have lunch at the restaurant near my house, which advertises “Authentic Ethiopian cuisine.” Some treat it turned out to be - they just brought me an empty plate.
| 337
| 0.92
| 11
| 1,592,170,412
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/h928h0/as_a_treat_to_myself_i_decided_to_have_lunch_at/
|
h928h0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
RedWestern
|
top_all
|
I smashed my mother in the head with a bat when she turned into one of the undead It turns out she wasn't a zombie, she just hadn't had a chance to put on her makeup that morning
| 337
| 0.95
| 9
| 1,593,870,050
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hl3hfy/i_smashed_my_mother_in_the_head_with_a_bat_when/
|
hl3hfy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
"Why did we invent dishwashers when god gave women hands?" The misogynist laughed at his own bad joke. "Why did we invent punching bags when god gave men nuts?" Said a badass gran aloud among the crowd.
| 337
| 0.92
| 13
| 1,751,985,319
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1luq6iw/why_did_we_invent_dishwashers_when_god_gave_women/
|
1luq6iw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Kaayaa_ag4a
|
top_all
|
I love to go to IKEA and then wander around trying to pronounce the names of the furniture I was speechless as a very confused demon stood in front of me, and demanding to know why I had summoned them
| 335
| 0.98
| 14
| 1,618,148,794
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/moqv6c/i_love_to_go_to_ikea_and_then_wander_around/
|
moqv6c
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
The village was in chaos, because for this year's ceremony a virgin male was needed but none could be found. Exasperated, the shaman said, "They can all be found browsing in the anime bookstores."
| 335
| 0.96
| 22
| 1,595,897,390
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hz4rrc/the_village_was_in_chaos_because_for_this_years/
|
hz4rrc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
"Please help! I've been stuck here for so long," the snail pleaded. "Of course," the little girl said, breaking the circle of salt.
| 335
| 0.96
| 13
| 1,744,473,357
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jxkgre/please_help_ive_been_stuck_here_for_so_long_the/
|
1jxkgre
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ThereGoesYeetcake
|
top_all
|
Netflix is releasing a documentary on Norse mythology... I'm Loki excited about it.
| 334
| 0.99
| 12
| 1,600,103,841
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ispbwr/netflix_is_releasing_a_documentary_on_norse/
|
ispbwr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CKO1967
|
top_all
|
I charged out with my mighty sword and attacked the evil dragon that had appeared outside The next day my neighbour came over and gave out to me for getting drunk, and attacking his car with a mop again
| 334
| 0.99
| 4
| 1,595,400,358
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hvourv/i_charged_out_with_my_mighty_sword_and_attacked/
|
hvourv
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
I wear a size 13 shoe The old saying isn’t true
| 333
| 0.98
| 14
| 1,620,360,922
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/n6q27z/i_wear_a_size_13_shoe/
|
n6q27z
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
daanimas
|
top_all
|
I used to hate humanity in general. You’ve helped me want to be more specific.
| 333
| 1
| 7
| 1,616,589,399
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mc4me1/i_used_to_hate_humanity_in_general/
|
mc4me1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
shakeythirsty
|
top_all
|
My mother always told me that I was special and I should never look into a mirror. One day out of curiosity I took a peek at a mirror, and found the ugliest person I had ever seen staring back at me.
| 332
| 0.97
| 12
| 1,598,264,324
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ifmcw9/my_mother_always_told_me_that_i_was_special_and_i/
|
ifmcw9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
As the sword cut through the beasts throat, the hero celebrated his victory, and others in the grocery store cheered! Their celebration was cut short by the chorus of “let me speak to your manager!” as The Karen grew three more heads and rose from the puddle of blood.
| 332
| 0.96
| 21
| 1,588,851,994
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gf50b9/as_the_sword_cut_through_the_beasts_throat_the/
|
gf50b9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
schum011
|
top_all
|
I’m so glad my tinnitus isn’t bad right now, it gets so annoying. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
| 331
| 0.93
| 17
| 1,739,316,447
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1increi/im_so_glad_my_tinnitus_isnt_bad_right_now_it_gets/
|
1increi
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SnugAsABugInARug-
|
top_all
|
Is it weird to practice kissing with my twin brother? I want to see what my sister see’s when we’re making out.
| 331
| 0.97
| 7
| 1,613,010,498
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lhaolr/is_it_weird_to_practice_kissing_with_my_twin/
|
lhaolr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
fetusfahijta
|
top_all
|
Why are birds so successful? Because they always suck-seed
| 328
| 1
| 10
| 1,608,678,691
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kigin0/why_are_birds_so_successful/
|
kigin0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Strong91105
|
top_all
|
"Welcome back everyone" Started my speech with this at my best friend's 2nd wedding.
| 327
| 0.98
| 3
| 1,566,627,083
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/cupttm/welcome_back_everyone/
|
cupttm
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
T_Fawkes
|
top_all
|
I'm telling you, Officer, I was in the middle of trimming my moustache when I got the call that the baby was coming. The fact that I raised my hand a little too high for a taxi and named my baby Adolf still doesn't prove anything!
| 327
| 0.69
| 16
| 1,742,672,274
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jhgpjt/im_telling_you_officer_i_was_in_the_middle_of/
|
1jhgpjt
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
RibbitofficialCEO
|
top_all
|
"I hope I don't catch you cheating this time" said teacher to the student "Me too" replied the student
| 327
| 0.98
| 8
| 1,614,432,119
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lto0ki/i_hope_i_dont_catch_you_cheating_this_time_said/
|
lto0ki
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NoWingedHussarsToday
|
top_all
|
It was career day at George's school today. His mother brought her laptop, camera and dildo.
| 327
| 0.99
| 3
| 1,595,308,606
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hv1hez/it_was_career_day_at_georges_school_today/
|
hv1hez
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Alkedi44
|
top_all
|
Stop saying, "I have a boyfriend". If you REALLY want to keep people away, say 'I have a RASH'.
| 326
| 0.96
| 17
| 1,727,289,365
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fpbs21/stop_saying_i_have_a_boyfriend/
|
1fpbs21
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
myfailedimagination
|
top_all
|
As I stumbled home drunk, I spotted the mythical creature and tackled it to the ground The police officer explained to me that I am lucky that the parents aren't pressing charges after I mistook their son for a leprechaun
| 326
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,620,593,296
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/n8n6wl/as_i_stumbled_home_drunk_i_spotted_the_mythical/
|
n8n6wl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
A cop was arresting me for forgery. "can this change your mind?", I said as I handed him a $7 bill.
| 325
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,611,289,379
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l2fxel/a_cop_was_arresting_me_for_forgery/
|
l2fxel
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Remarkable_Cap_864
|
top_all
|
Did you know the Sun is hydrogen-intolerant? It makes him gassy.
| 325
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,601,897,560
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j5hqvk/did_you_know_the_sun_is_hydrogenintolerant/
|
j5hqvk
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Michael-Hawkinson
|
top_all
|
I had a friend who died of constipation. He finally passed and it was such a relief.
| 324
| 1
| 11
| 1,607,972,778
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kd41hi/i_had_a_friend_who_died_of_constipation/
|
kd41hi
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ancilleno
|
top_all
|
I think my sister has lost her mind, she's begun to eat crackers for breakfast. I suppose it's fitting; she's the first black zombie on our block.
| 324
| 0.94
| 4
| 1,591,335,821
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gwypp9/i_think_my_sister_has_lost_her_mind_shes_begun_to/
|
gwypp9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I could hear the sound of lovemaking coming from my neighbor's place. Which was weird, since we were having a three-way at my place.
| 324
| 0.94
| 9
| 1,607,210,300
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k7i208/i_could_hear_the_sound_of_lovemaking_coming_from/
|
k7i208
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IronMongerVi
|
top_all
|
What's the difference between horny an hungry? Where you stick the cucumber.
| 323
| 0.95
| 8
| 1,616,525,955
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mblyxv/whats_the_difference_between_horny_an_hungry/
|
mblyxv
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
oldhandnewmind
|
top_all
|
I picked up a flat stone with my right hand and threw the one I was already holding with my left. As I watch it skip over the water, I marvel at how the shape resembles a phone and by the way where is my-
| 322
| 0.99
| 10
| 1,624,759,351
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/o8nxnr/i_picked_up_a_flat_stone_with_my_right_hand_and/
|
o8nxnr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I've had names so old, only the rivers and pines can pronounce them now "But," the demon added with a sigh, "kids lately have just been calling me Cryptid Joe."
| 322
| 0.98
| 6
| 1,750,704,273
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1lios25/ive_had_names_so_old_only_the_rivers_and_pines/
|
1lios25
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
funwithmydemons
|
top_all
|
I am a monkey. Ooh ooh ah ah.
| 322
| 0.95
| 28
| 1,590,713,285
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gsioy3/i_am_a_monkey/
|
gsioy3
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SSJGamingOfficial
|
top_all
|
"It's a valid programming term," I argued. The police officer replied, "I know, but you can't just go shouting 'kill the children', especially in a family planning clinic."
| 321
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,705,936,019
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/19cxojq/its_a_valid_programming_term_i_argued/
|
19cxojq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"Winning $1,000,000 if I survive three minutes in the room with a live scorpion is an easy challenge," I scoffed, as I heard the door lock behin-
##"GET OVER HERE!!"
| 321
| 0.98
| 10
| 1,723,649,155
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1es4ide/winning_1000000_if_i_survive_three_minutes_in_the/
|
1es4ide
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
smilelikeachow
|
top_all
|
I anxiously opened the comments on my first TwoSentenceHorror submission. 'I don't get it'
| 321
| 0.99
| 3
| 1,586,834,874
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/g0xypu/i_anxiously_opened_the_comments_on_my_first/
|
g0xypu
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
“Siri, call 911!” “Okay, calling mom.”
| 321
| 0.97
| 14
| 1,590,615,815
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/grt1x7/siri_call_911/
|
grt1x7
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
mydadsnameisharold
|
top_all
|
I've always found it strange that people who commit credit card fraud are charged.
| 321
| 0.97
| 12
| 1,606,340,445
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k11kcj/ive_always_found_it_strange_that_people_who/
|
k11kcj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NoNoNotLikeThatAgain
|
top_all
|
"You're killing me," I laughed slapping my knee at my friend's funny joke. "That's because I am an evil serial killer known as the Clown who always tells a funny joke before I kill my victims," he said and then honked his clown nose.
| 320
| 0.92
| 5
| 1,744,343,770
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jwgzot/youre_killing_me_i_laughed_slapping_my_knee_at_my/
|
1jwgzot
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
EvilGamer117
|
top_all
|
My son is not the smartest person in the world, and his favourite thing to do is spend hours staring at the television Sometimes he will even remember to switch it on first
| 319
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,621,070,791
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ncuwfn/my_son_is_not_the_smartest_person_in_the_world/
|
ncuwfn
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
NSFW Why does it hurt when I masturbate? Should I use a finer grit sandpaper?
| 319
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,614,959,451
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lyerox/nsfw_why_does_it_hurt_when_i_masturbate/
|
lyerox
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DarthLocutusOfB0rg
|
top_all
|
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