text
string | score
int64 | upvote_ratio
float64 | num_comments
int64 | created_utc
float64 | url
string | id
string | subreddit
string | author
string | source_endpoint
string |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Welcome to my sex dungeon! It's a real Tomb of Whores!
| 278
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,609,283,205
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kmpaei/welcome_to_my_sex_dungeon/
|
kmpaei
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IronMongerVi
|
top_all
|
Guy at the airport told me to check my bags, so I told him to check deez nuts. He did a cavity search.
| 278
| 0.94
| 7
| 1,731,866,122
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gtjbii/guy_at_the_airport_told_me_to_check_my_bags_so_i/
|
1gtjbii
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Specific_Function_83
|
top_all
|
"That was the best sex I ever had!" I told my wife. "That's great; now get out of the bathroom and come to bed."
| 278
| 0.91
| 17
| 1,753,470,207
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1m97uob/that_was_the_best_sex_i_ever_had_i_told_my_wife/
|
1m97uob
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CRK_76
|
top_all
|
“You’ve made your bed, now you’ll have to lie in it!” My wife scolded I immediately climbed into bed and retorted “By the way, I’m a Martian,”
| 278
| 0.98
| 5
| 1,616,676,519
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mcxg15/youve_made_your_bed_now_youll_have_to_lie_in_it/
|
mcxg15
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KailTheDryad
|
top_all
|
What kind of award will someone get for staying in bed the longest? A trophy.
| 277
| 0.98
| 13
| 1,738,467,178
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ifo7i8/what_kind_of_award_will_someone_get_for_staying/
|
1ifo7i8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
meesterincogneato77
|
top_all
|
I taught my third graders about herds of cows and flocks of pigeons. But mentioning a murder of crows stirred the PTA up so much that it brought out an entitlement of Karens.
| 277
| 0.98
| 11
| 1,737,925,504
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1iaqcrw/i_taught_my_third_graders_about_herds_of_cows_and/
|
1iaqcrw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
Mommy says my baby brother keeps kicking her in the tummy. Well two can play at that game!
| 277
| 0.98
| 9
| 1,589,413,100
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gjanm4/mommy_says_my_baby_brother_keeps_kicking_her_in/
|
gjanm4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
mydadsnameisharold
|
top_all
|
Please,” the mother wailed as the man stabbed a needle into her daughter’s arm, “don’t hurt her!” “Vaccines will give her autism!” she continued to plead.
| 277
| 0.97
| 4
| 1,585,794,689
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fte73u/please_the_mother_wailed_as_the_man_stabbed_a/
|
fte73u
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
You know, a pervert does three things at a construction site. He screws, he nuts, he bolts.
| 277
| 0.98
| 9
| 1,725,551,949
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1f9pyth/you_know_a_pervert_does_three_things_at_a/
|
1f9pyth
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Titanhopper1290
|
top_all
|
“What the hell man, I was about to get laid!” My friend shouted as I pulled him back. “Yeah, with the fishes!” I pointed out, gesturing angrily at the sirens swarming around the ship.
| 277
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,623,838,541
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/o11jbl/what_the_hell_man_i_was_about_to_get_laid_my/
|
o11jbl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KailTheDryad
|
top_all
|
“Don’t come to school tomorrow,” said the note that my friend passed to me. “It’s Chili Tuesday at the cafeteria, and you know how Farting Fred loves those refried beans!” the note continued.
| 277
| 0.96
| 11
| 1,747,375,346
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kntq39/dont_come_to_school_tomorrow_said_the_note_that/
|
1kntq39
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
Doctor says i can never be a father. All that money spent on condoms was wasted.
| 277
| 0.97
| 5
| 1,625,643,014
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ofe488/doctor_says_i_can_never_be_a_father/
|
ofe488
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
n33d2L3arn
|
top_all
|
My followers didn't react to my face reveal the way I expected. Apparently it still has to be attached to the body, otherwise people will freak out.
| 276
| 0.96
| 11
| 1,729,187,909
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g5x32p/my_followers_didnt_react_to_my_face_reveal_the/
|
1g5x32p
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
bucket_of_fried_bird
|
top_all
|
I've cooked devil's lettuce into my devil's food cupcakes and I packed it all into my "Devil Wears Prada" reusable bags. My child's class is playing the devil's flute in the school recital tonight and I need to make sure that the other parents are too stoned to run out of the auditorium screaming.
| 276
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,610,526,826
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kwcfq1/ive_cooked_devils_lettuce_into_my_devils_food/
|
kwcfq1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
I thought it would be romantic to release birds at my best friend’s wedding Apparently ostriches weren’t the best choice of avian life form to unleash during the reception
| 276
| 0.99
| 16
| 1,634,045,694
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/q6mbjq/i_thought_it_would_be_romantic_to_release_birds/
|
q6mbjq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KailTheDryad
|
top_all
|
I run a funeral home, and my client said he was taking his business elsewhere. Well, it's his funeral.
| 276
| 0.99
| 3
| 1,587,155,703
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/g39xx5/i_run_a_funeral_home_and_my_client_said_he_was/
|
g39xx5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ZorgZeFrenchGuy
|
top_all
|
If she can hide a belly. **She can hide a baby.**
| 275
| 0.92
| 7
| 1,607,454,413
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k9ald3/if_she_can_hide_a_belly/
|
k9ald3
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
lazydogg9
|
top_all
|
A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed "My God, whoever did this really needs help!"
| 275
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,590,343,328
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gpu7n3/a_man_was_walking_in_the_street_one_day_when_he/
|
gpu7n3
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
Cinderella had finally managed to make it to the ball. "ACK" she gagged
| 274
| 0.97
| 5
| 1,596,073,969
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i0dfud/cinderella_had_finally_managed_to_make_it_to_the/
|
i0dfud
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
dailydonuts16
|
top_all
|
I brought my grandmother to one of those fish spa places where the little fish eat your dead skin... It was WAY cheaper than having her buried.
| 274
| 1
| 1
| 1,639,244,940
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/re4uuw/i_brought_my_grandmother_to_one_of_those_fish_spa/
|
re4uuw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ClutchingMyTinkle
|
top_all
|
So there I was kissing my new Girlfriend on the Sofa when she said to me let's take this upstairs. So I said to her ok you grab one end and I'll grab the other.
| 271
| 0.99
| 10
| 1,616,366,480
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ma84y0/so_there_i_was_kissing_my_new_girlfriend_on_the/
|
ma84y0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I forgot the roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 Now I M LIVID
| 271
| 0.92
| 13
| 1,566,390,600
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ctg67q/i_forgot_the_roman_numerals_for_1_1000_51_6_and/
|
ctg67q
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
It is always satisfying to release a silent but deadly fart It is always horrifying to discover that your hearing aids aren't working
| 270
| 1
| 3
| 1,618,727,052
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mt7jls/it_is_always_satisfying_to_release_a_silent_but/
|
mt7jls
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
I just got caught watching porn by my dad and it was so embarrassing. He turned around and said,"go and watch on your own phone dumbass".
| 270
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,589,225,999
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ghutt9/i_just_got_caught_watching_porn_by_my_dad_and_it/
|
ghutt9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sgc0014
|
top_all
|
"I wanna eat some Coconuts" The man said. That sentence alone is why Coco steered clear of that strange man.
| 270
| 0.96
| 1
| 1,612,036,412
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l8u2mf/i_wanna_eat_some_coconuts_the_man_said/
|
l8u2mf
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Cyborginox
|
top_all
|
I asked Siri how many dick pics she gets sent per day. My wife, Siri, shot back “Enough to know you’re bringing the average down.”
| 269
| 0.93
| 3
| 1,743,609,331
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jps2ld/i_asked_siri_how_many_dick_pics_she_gets_sent_per/
|
1jps2ld
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NewtWhoGotBetter
|
top_all
|
I used to get asked all the time "Why don't you drink", so I came up with a response to answer them that was less boring. Last time I got drunk, I woke up next to 3 guys and sheep and I think we made the lamb watch...
| 269
| 0.98
| 32
| 1,722,966,388
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1elo76z/i_used_to_get_asked_all_the_time_why_dont_you/
|
1elo76z
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CL4R101
|
top_all
|
With COVID-19 making the rounds, I feel secure in my position as a web developer. Because no one has ever gotten a virus from the internet, you know?
| 269
| 0.97
| 19
| 1,584,492,843
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fkgq0r/with_covid19_making_the_rounds_i_feel_secure_in/
|
fkgq0r
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
kiopah
|
top_all
|
After years of searching for vampires, I finally had my chance to get physical evidence of their existence. I should’ve used a mirrorless camera.
| 269
| 0.99
| 12
| 1,590,400,108
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gq87ij/after_years_of_searching_for_vampires_i_finally/
|
gq87ij
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
My brother gave me a car! He just doesn’t know it yet...
| 268
| 0.98
| 1
| 1,600,405,605
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iuzwmp/my_brother_gave_me_a_car/
|
iuzwmp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Intrepid_Wanderer
|
top_all
|
Since my crush memorized the table of Elements, I told her " I love gold but A is silent" then she replied "Yttrium, Uranium, Carbon, Potassium"
| 268
| 0.95
| 16
| 1,618,297,662
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mpx4cb/since_my_crush_memorized_the_table_of_elements_i/
|
mpx4cb
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
jeckrivera24
|
top_all
|
My best friend had sex with the mailman. Looks like his package came in the male.
| 268
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,747,842,969
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ks1dzt/my_best_friend_had_sex_with_the_mailman/
|
1ks1dzt
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
lightmare69
|
top_all
|
I was driving by a farm and saw a sign that said, "Duck, eggs." I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma," and then it hit me.
| 268
| 0.99
| 14
| 1,650,486,100
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/u85k1y/i_was_driving_by_a_farm_and_saw_a_sign_that_said/
|
u85k1y
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Don't be racist hate everyone equally
| 268
| 0.87
| 9
| 1,591,698,000
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gzkdu5/dont_be_racist/
|
gzkdu5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
QueenElsaArrendelle
|
top_all
|
"Guardsman, why is there a giraffe in my prison?" "....What do you mean, 'prisoner exchange'?!"
| 267
| 0.94
| 16
| 1,607,619,366
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kaizf5/guardsman_why_is_there_a_giraffe_in_my_prison/
|
kaizf5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IronMongerVi
|
top_all
|
I opened the pantry in search of a snack to quench my hunger, and gasped at what I saw. We were out of Doritos.
| 267
| 0.97
| 19
| 1,594,413,548
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/howq47/i_opened_the_pantry_in_search_of_a_snack_to/
|
howq47
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
My lesbian neighbours gave me a watch one year as a present It was nice of them but I don’t think they understood my request
| 266
| 0.91
| 12
| 1,616,169,705
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m8kgp4/my_lesbian_neighbours_gave_me_a_watch_one_year_as/
|
m8kgp4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
At first I thought the alien's translator was broken since he kept calling me, "Sweet Pea." But then I realized its medical app could tell I was diabetic.
| 266
| 0.97
| 3
| 1,737,770,299
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1i9cbn8/at_first_i_thought_the_aliens_translator_was/
|
1i9cbn8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but the spa is all out of cucumber slices to cover your eyes." "We do, though, have these lemons we can use instead."
| 265
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,614,010,959
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lpsjzn/im_sorry_maam_but_the_spa_is_all_out_of_cucumber/
|
lpsjzn
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
StetsonTuba8
|
top_all
|
Procrastinators of the world unite! Tomorrow
| 265
| 0.98
| 14
| 1,587,644,046
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/g6ljw5/procrastinators_of_the_world_unite/
|
g6ljw5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Thedepressionoftrees
|
top_all
|
Jokes on the internet are so easy to understand. But the bigger half of people still dont get them.
| 265
| 0.94
| 15
| 1,595,507,730
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hwev32/jokes_on_the_internet_are_so_easy_to_understand/
|
hwev32
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KOBRA_6916
|
top_all
|
My cousin wanted to pay his way through dental school by working for the TSA. "After all, both do cavity searches."
| 265
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,741,894,058
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jakfcx/my_cousin_wanted_to_pay_his_way_through_dental/
|
1jakfcx
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
I'm finally going to get the much needed surgery for my undescended left testicle! In fact, the ball's going to drop on New Years!
| 265
| 0.97
| 11
| 1,735,252,525
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hmzzko/im_finally_going_to_get_the_much_needed_surgery/
|
1hmzzko
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheRaincrow
|
top_all
|
After my girlfriend Buttercup's birthday party, both of us were smashing a sign of her name into tiny pieces for easier disposal. As we got to the last bit of her name, she suddenly told me, "guess we are breaking...up."
| 264
| 0.95
| 11
| 1,749,777,755
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1la3kw0/after_my_girlfriend_buttercups_birthday_party/
|
1la3kw0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
rai0kakashi
|
top_all
|
Day 1 of short term memory loss. Day 1 of short term memory loss.
| 264
| 0.98
| 13
| 1,584,278,724
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fj1a3d/day_1_of_short_term_memory_loss/
|
fj1a3d
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DelusionalDonut13
|
top_all
|
They say you are what you eat. I guess that means I'm still human.
| 264
| 0.99
| 19
| 1,612,281,459
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/layw2a/they_say_you_are_what_you_eat/
|
layw2a
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
On his deathbed, my father sagely told me, "You must never, EVER look up." "'G*ullible*' is **NOT** written there."
| 262
| 0.99
| 9
| 1,623,521,129
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nyck67/on_his_deathbed_my_father_sagely_told_me_you_must/
|
nyck67
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
She groaned as one leering man after another came in and unceremoniously dropped his pants, pulling their junk out before she got to work. "You had to be a urologist", her mother said, sick of hearing the complaints.
| 262
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,746,031,243
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kbl23w/she_groaned_as_one_leering_man_after_another_came/
|
1kbl23w
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheRaincrow
|
top_all
|
Standing on the step, I was conveyed to the upper floor of the mall in practically no time at all. I thought to myself, "That escalated quickly."
| 262
| 0.99
| 9
| 1,611,433,194
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l3jl6e/standing_on_the_step_i_was_conveyed_to_the_upper/
|
l3jl6e
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
Y’know, My Ex-Wife still misses me! But her aim is getting better!
Edit: Credit to Grunkle Stan
| 262
| 0.96
| 7
| 1,586,640,574
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fzjjf6/yknow_my_exwife_still_misses_me/
|
fzjjf6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Galaxy_YTR
|
top_all
|
In an alternate universe far, far, away, the remake of Snow White has grossed more than a billion dollars thanks to its choice of cast. Movie goers praised the casting of Gordon Ramsay as Snow White who told the stepmother played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, that the poison apple is raw, in front of four dwarfs played by Samuel L Jackson, Morgan Freeman, Dwayne Johnson and Jackie Chan.
| 262
| 0.91
| 20
| 1,742,921,506
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jjo23h/in_an_alternate_universe_far_far_away_the_remake/
|
1jjo23h
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Nessieinternational
|
top_all
|
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to be quiet and get out of my fort.
| 262
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,613,616,126
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lmbprb/my_wife_accused_me_of_being_immature/
|
lmbprb
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DarthLocutusOfB0rg
|
top_all
|
I thought I was looking at the new cannibal corpse album cover that was supposed to come in the mail today. Actually I was looking at the mirror I ordered
| 262
| 0.98
| 19
| 1,593,649,022
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hjmko0/i_thought_i_was_looking_at_the_new_cannibal/
|
hjmko0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
As she turned around, her long, braided hair swung in the wind, ready to soak up my love. \*sigh\* Being with a mop is depressing, but it gets the job done.
| 262
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,612,463,217
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lcmajl/as_she_turned_around_her_long_braided_hair_swung/
|
lcmajl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Cyborginox
|
top_all
|
My father once said to never trust a fart He was right.
| 261
| 0.95
| 3
| 1,597,134,689
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i7o1w1/my_father_once_said_to_never_trust_a_fart/
|
i7o1w1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Lunar2325
|
top_all
|
A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords... She got a pen and paper and said, 'thankgod for that, what are they'
| 261
| 0.99
| 10
| 1,752,849,585
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1m343mh/a_scammer_called_my_grandma_and_said_he_had_all/
|
1m343mh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
RanaViky
|
top_all
|
Some clown in a big SUV almost ran me off the road when I was rushing to get home after work. Looks like he beat me to my kid’s birthday party by about 5 minutes.
| 260
| 0.99
| 4
| 1,619,868,207
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/n2gg06/some_clown_in_a_big_suv_almost_ran_me_off_the/
|
n2gg06
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Remergent4Now
|
top_all
|
There's a brain-eating zombie, and they've just passed me by.
| 260
| 0.99
| 14
| 1,617,738,096
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mljx7x/theres_a_braineating_zombie/
|
mljx7x
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
jeckrivera24
|
top_all
|
I'm not sure why I feel sick. Those ribs at the gas station seemed pretty fresh to me.
| 260
| 0.99
| 13
| 1,593,761,400
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hkeso4/im_not_sure_why_i_feel_sick/
|
hkeso4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Shadowislost
|
top_all
|
Today I made my boyfriend promise to stop communicating solely in cheese-related puns He told me he would make Gouda on that
| 258
| 0.99
| 13
| 1,615,664,890
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m4dsg9/today_i_made_my_boyfriend_promise_to_stop/
|
m4dsg9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KailTheDryad
|
top_all
|
I was nervously uncertain of how to address the elephant in the room. Thankfully, the polite pachyderm introduced itself to me first, thus breaking the ice.
| 258
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,742,479,858
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jfpsqo/i_was_nervously_uncertain_of_how_to_address_the/
|
1jfpsqo
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"You can't pee on grandma while she's asleep!" That a phrase I never thought I would have to say, especially more than once.
| 258
| 0.95
| 11
| 1,589,334,166
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gipc92/you_cant_pee_on_grandma_while_shes_asleep/
|
gipc92
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
rprince18
|
top_all
|
I really was blessed to have my family support me when I came out. Although, I would've been happier had my grandmother not phrased it as "It doesn't matter who puts what in which hole, as long as you're happy, dear."
| 258
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,735,234,289
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hmta3y/i_really_was_blessed_to_have_my_family_support_me/
|
1hmta3y
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
While I was stuck in traffic jam I listened to some loud heavy metal music I had no choice, it was coming from the car next to mine.
| 258
| 0.97
| 2
| 1,614,798,357
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lx1o65/while_i_was_stuck_in_traffic_jam_i_listened_to/
|
lx1o65
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NoWingedHussarsToday
|
top_all
|
I once waved at a drunk person Then I realised what I was doing and walked away from the mirror
| 258
| 0.97
| 3
| 1,580,833,545
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/eysjla/i_once_waved_at_a_drunk_person/
|
eysjla
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ENTYNT
|
top_all
|
My girlfriend denied cheating on me with our Japanese neighbour but I could tell she had How else do you explain her pixelated vagina
| 257
| 0.94
| 12
| 1,642,346,288
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/s5dxg9/my_girlfriend_denied_cheating_on_me_with_our/
|
s5dxg9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
D-C-A
|
top_all
|
No matter how well made paper is... It's tearable.
| 257
| 0.99
| 9
| 1,732,928,266
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1h30p8y/no_matter_how_well_made_paper_is/
|
1h30p8y
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
meesterincogneato77
|
top_all
|
The First People To Do The Knock Knock gag must've had people around them completely not understanding why someone was saying knock knock. That's one thing immigrants have in common.
| 256
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,605,021,414
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jrmpi6/the_first_people_to_do_the_knock_knock_gag_mustve/
|
jrmpi6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I answered the 7 am Saturday knock at my door only to find Vegeta and Frieza holding Bibles on my doorstep. "We used to care for nothing but dragon balls until we found that only through accepting Christ can we hope to achieve TRUE IMMORTALITY!"
| 256
| 0.96
| 3
| 1,596,636,581
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i460ci/i_answered_the_7_am_saturday_knock_at_my_door/
|
i460ci
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
makejokesandchewgum
|
top_all
|
The other day I was having a stroke and I smelled toast. The urologist says that’s a sign of infection.
| 256
| 0.98
| 9
| 1,615,405,144
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m26enz/the_other_day_i_was_having_a_stroke_and_i_smelled/
|
m26enz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IOughtToBeThrownAway
|
top_all
|
Our math teacher gave us the homework, drank some prune juice and left to use the bathroom. After I put 2 and 2 together, I realized he was full of shit.
| 255
| 1
| 5
| 1,632,479,731
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/puh1kp/our_math_teacher_gave_us_the_homework_drank_some/
|
puh1kp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
xGEARZ4LIFEx
|
top_all
|
"Oh my god you ran her over!" "You were supposed to hit my mother *in-law*!"
| 255
| 0.97
| 4
| 1,613,950,207
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lp9kms/oh_my_god_you_ran_her_over/
|
lp9kms
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
AggressiveMennonite
|
top_all
|
Buy me Mac and Cheese & you’ll be hearing the same sound twice in one night
| 255
| 0.93
| 25
| 1,747,481,981
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1koqxj6/buy_me_mac_and_cheese_youll_be_hearing_the_same/
|
1koqxj6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
PeacePipePeyote
|
top_all
|
My dad looked angry as he took off his belt. But his expression changed to relief when he let out a huge, long-winded, fart.
| 255
| 0.98
| 5
| 1,623,214,107
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nvnibe/my_dad_looked_angry_as_he_took_off_his_belt/
|
nvnibe
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
I touch a girls boobs She touches my nuts with her speeding foot
| 255
| 0.78
| 33
| 1,607,356,806
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k8j8sl/i_touch_a_girls_boobs/
|
k8j8sl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BRUHMOMENTSTFHV
|
top_all
|
I made my girlfriend breakfast in bed this morning. Her husband wasn't too happy about it.
| 255
| 0.98
| 8
| 1,626,514,323
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/om13ld/i_made_my_girlfriend_breakfast_in_bed_this_morning/
|
om13ld
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
PrettyHotPotatoPapi
|
top_all
|
Ran listened patiently, trying to avoid rolling his eyes, as his neighbor ranted on about lizard people secretly ruling the earth. Ruling," he sighed as he walked away, "these mammals will believe anything!"
| 255
| 1
| 7
| 1,616,223,645
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m91pet/ran_listened_patiently_trying_to_avoid_rolling/
|
m91pet
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
apathiest58
|
top_all
|
I keep getting my motorbike stuck in honey. It's a viscous cycle.
| 254
| 1
| 2
| 1,741,388,420
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1j62voa/i_keep_getting_my_motorbike_stuck_in_honey/
|
1j62voa
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ouiouiguillotine
|
top_all
|
My wife stood proud and said "you're half the man your father is," and promptly walked through the front door. As the world faded to black I wondered how she got so good with a katana.
| 254
| 0.94
| 11
| 1,728,932,222
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g3nn9u/my_wife_stood_proud_and_said_youre_half_the_man/
|
1g3nn9u
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheGreatGameDini
|
top_all
|
I am not fat, nor am I "big-boned". I simply experienced some personal growth and have become a more well-rounded individual.
| 254
| 1
| 6
| 1,746,712,805
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1khqtnk/i_am_not_fat_nor_am_i_bigboned/
|
1khqtnk
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
The news van started sliding down the icy hill, unable to be stopped. Inside the van, the anchor called into the station saying he had braking news.
| 254
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,734,983,155
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hkvpe7/the_news_van_started_sliding_down_the_icy_hill/
|
1hkvpe7
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
neversaid_iwasbrave
|
top_all
|
I Just Received My First Covid Vaccination! For the first time in a long time, my right arm is sore for a _different_ reason.
| 254
| 0.98
| 10
| 1,618,622,430
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/msh4hn/i_just_received_my_first_covid_vaccination/
|
msh4hn
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
myfailedimagination
|
top_all
|
My buddy just told me a joke and I laughed so hard I shit my pants. I love self defecating humor.
| 254
| 1
| 6
| 1,630,470,098
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/pfmese/my_buddy_just_told_me_a_joke_and_i_laughed_so/
|
pfmese
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheScrambone
|
top_all
|
If anyone needs cheap construction work just call my mother, She's been building walls between us my whole life, and all it cost was my ability to form meaningful relationships as an adult.
| 253
| 0.95
| 11
| 1,726,720,239
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fkcmbm/if_anyone_needs_cheap_construction_work_just_call/
|
1fkcmbm
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Playful_Trouble2102
|
top_all
|
My neighbours treat me like a God Everytime I pass through they say"Oh God! You again?"
| 253
| 0.99
| 4
| 1,616,308,183
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m9q9g4/my_neighbours_treat_me_like_a_god/
|
m9q9g4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Hoes ain't loyal. And I'm pretty sure the other garden tools are up to something sketchy too.
| 253
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,589,930,099
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gmzo2v/hoes_aint_loyal/
|
gmzo2v
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CKO1967
|
top_all
|
It has been said that the creation of the shovel was a groundbreaking invention. However, it was the introduction of dynamite that was truly earth-shattering.
| 252
| 0.99
| 11
| 1,745,245,268
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k4epwz/it_has_been_said_that_the_creation_of_the_shovel/
|
1k4epwz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
My wife told me to embrace my mistakes I gave her a hug
| 252
| 0.94
| 11
| 1,742,563,485
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jggqqm/my_wife_told_me_to_embrace_my_mistakes/
|
1jggqqm
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
tejassp03
|
top_all
|
What happens when people who have trade jobs can't afford to hire individual hookers? A Jackoff all trades.
| 252
| 0.97
| 4
| 1,619,007,938
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mvejw5/what_happens_when_people_who_have_trade_jobs_cant/
|
mvejw5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
YellowDomino
|
top_all
|
As Satan opened the door to my room in hell I saw two TVs playing the final seasons of Game of Thrones and Lost, on repeat.
| 251
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,630,176,316
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/pdfg8t/as_satan_opened_the_door_to_my_room_in_hell/
|
pdfg8t
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Vegasman20002
|
top_all
|
My bedroom isn’t just for sleeping in... It’s also where I wake up
| 251
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,613,476,552
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ll2aya/my_bedroom_isnt_just_for_sleeping_in/
|
ll2aya
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Today I am really depressed because I found my very first grey pubic hair. It was in a taco.
| 251
| 0.96
| 8
| 1,728,896,950
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g3bken/today_i_am_really_depressed_because_i_found_my/
|
1g3bken
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SourNoob
|
top_all
|
“The police are here? Just coz some dude fell asleep in class?” “Kidnapping bro, not a kid napping”
| 251
| 0.97
| 2
| 1,745,677,486
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k8e540/the_police_are_here_just_coz_some_dude_fell/
|
1k8e540
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ElzBellz9
|
top_all
|
It took the US three months to virus. China got it right off the bat.
| 251
| 0.93
| 6
| 1,586,338,291
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fx3g6o/it_took_the_us_three_months_to_virus/
|
fx3g6o
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SpongeBadSquareBad
|
top_all
|
They say offence is the best defence I guess that means I’m a sex defender.
| 251
| 0.99
| 3
| 1,612,176,653
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/la0iec/they_say_offence_is_the_best_defence/
|
la0iec
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SaltyLurker667
|
top_all
|
I was attacked by a group of carnival performers. I knew if I wanted to survive I would have to go for the juggler.
| 251
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,735,082,904
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hlp3dw/i_was_attacked_by_a_group_of_carnival_performers/
|
1hlp3dw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
What rhymes with "that"? No it doesn't, because english is a joke.
| 250
| 0.97
| 24
| 1,729,777,852
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gb33rw/what_rhymes_with_that/
|
1gb33rw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Mrsupersuper
|
top_all
|
After sitting on a bench on an island, I was quickly surrounded by cats. I think the genie misunderstood my wish.
| 250
| 1
| 4
| 1,746,446,309
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kf9smi/after_sitting_on_a_bench_on_an_island_i_was/
|
1kf9smi
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Guilty_Writer3165
|
top_all
|
My doctor said that I needed a PET scan, so he called his dog over and told her to sniff me. Thanks to my shitty insurance, this is the only kind of scan that I can afford.
| 249
| 0.97
| 5
| 1,616,907,851
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/meuyq6/my_doctor_said_that_i_needed_a_pet_scan_so_he/
|
meuyq6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
“Aww you’re such a dear!” The old woman chuckled, kissing my forehead. I couldn’t help blushing as her Sunday hat got stuck on my antlers.
| 249
| 1
| 1
| 1,624,134,070
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/o3oz32/aww_youre_such_a_dear_the_old_woman_chuckled/
|
o3oz32
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KailTheDryad
|
top_all
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.