text
string | score
int64 | upvote_ratio
float64 | num_comments
int64 | created_utc
float64 | url
string | id
string | subreddit
string | author
string | source_endpoint
string |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
When I was a teenager I'd look at pictures of beautiful women I would never get to touch And now I'm middle aged and I look at beautiful houses I'll never be able to afford.
| 249
| 0.9
| 10
| 1,726,866,710
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1flmq45/when_i_was_a_teenager_id_look_at_pictures_of/
|
1flmq45
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Playful_Trouble2102
|
top_all
|
Why didn't the town name their road "Chuck Norris"? Because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
| 248
| 0.97
| 11
| 1,596,941,723
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i6c53x/why_didnt_the_town_name_their_road_chuck_norris/
|
i6c53x
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
bluesheepreasoning
|
top_all
|
My friends always ask why my mother gave me four names: James Alexander William Smith. I tell them, "She wasn't sure who my father was, so she named me after the top contenders in order of likelihood."
| 248
| 0.98
| 17
| 1,723,135,410
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1enatgz/my_friends_always_ask_why_my_mother_gave_me_four/
|
1enatgz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CL4R101
|
top_all
|
My phone started buzzing like crazy when I gave it to my uncle, I maybe installed the wrong Pedometer.
| 248
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,631,597,612
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/pnwp5b/my_phone_started_buzzing_like_crazy_when_i_gave/
|
pnwp5b
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Blaze_sempai
|
top_all
|
I lost all photos of my penis that I had saved online Apparently that's not what the "junk" folder is for
| 248
| 1
| 5
| 1,743,500,192
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jork87/i_lost_all_photos_of_my_penis_that_i_had_saved/
|
1jork87
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Reasonable_Air3580
|
top_all
|
The lady says “come over to my house, there’s nobody home I came over to her house and there was nobody home
| 248
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,574,564,795
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/e0st7k/the_lady_says_come_over_to_my_house_theres_nobody/
|
e0st7k
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
nu24601
|
top_all
|
My son was absolutely furious when I forgot to bring him home a happy meal, and threatened to run away to make me look like a bad parent I rolled my eyes and told my 56 year old son to shut the fuck up and eat what he was given
| 247
| 0.98
| 10
| 1,635,711,052
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/qjxntu/my_son_was_absolutely_furious_when_i_forgot_to/
|
qjxntu
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
A Strange Woman Looked Into My Window This Morning and Saw Me Masturbating Furiously. Thankfully, after about ten seconds of embarrassing silence, the light turned green.
| 247
| 1
| 8
| 1,633,990,567
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/q67a83/a_strange_woman_looked_into_my_window_this/
|
q67a83
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ClutchingMyTinkle
|
top_all
|
Do NOT read the next sentence. Hi, you little rebel.
| 247
| 0.95
| 7
| 1,625,578,277
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/oeuzch/do_not_read_the_next_sentence/
|
oeuzch
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I call my wife L'Oreal She's always screaming "Was she worth it?!" at me.....
| 247
| 0.96
| 15
| 1,591,539,581
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gyd84p/i_call_my_wife_loreal/
|
gyd84p
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Screaturemour
|
top_all
|
My friend and I are laughing at the bubbles of fermented apple juice. To whoever is reading, I know you won't get it since it is an in-cider joke.
| 246
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,739,719,580
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1iqujnj/my_friend_and_i_are_laughing_at_the_bubbles_of/
|
1iqujnj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
rai0kakashi
|
top_all
|
Out of desperation I went to the customer service center of the store and asked if they had any toilet paper. A firm NO! and a look of disgust was the only answer I got as I shuffled back to the toilet with my pants around my ankles.
| 246
| 1
| 8
| 1,584,418,467
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fjywul/out_of_desperation_i_went_to_the_customer_service/
|
fjywul
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
MDan25
|
top_all
|
“Are you pulling my leg?” The doctor looked up from his exam, and sighed, “Yes, I’m afraid this means you’ll never walk again.”
| 246
| 0.99
| 17
| 1,623,298,348
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nweplg/are_you_pulling_my_leg/
|
nweplg
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IOughtToBeThrownAway
|
top_all
|
"I can't believe you were able to hold your breath for more than twenty minutes, how did you do it?" "Well, my cats shit all over my house every day and nobody wants to clean it, so I have a lot of training".
| 246
| 0.97
| 15
| 1,590,788,489
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gt1xaz/i_cant_believe_you_were_able_to_hold_your_breath/
|
gt1xaz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
"I won't allow you to keep beating me like this," I muttered to my father as I prepared to stab him with a kitchen knife. He mains Ganondorf in Smash and I just can't take it anymore.
| 245
| 0.97
| 9
| 1,615,742,041
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m4z8u4/i_wont_allow_you_to_keep_beating_me_like_this_i/
|
m4z8u4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
dailydonuts16
|
top_all
|
As we searched the wreckage for survivors we heard a ghostly tapping... ... . -. -.. / -. ..- -.. . ...
| 245
| 0.99
| 23
| 1,590,847,199
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gteqa7/as_we_searched_the_wreckage_for_survivors_we/
|
gteqa7
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
two_sentence_critic
|
top_all
|
It measured 10 inches when fully erect, just like I told her. Putting away the ruler, we began our game of Jenga.
| 245
| 0.98
| 17
| 1,638,989,377
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/rby43d/it_measured_10_inches_when_fully_erect_just_like/
|
rby43d
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"I can't see what's wrong with you but I'm sure it's alcohol related" my doctor said to me "It's OK doc, I'll come back when you are sober"
| 245
| 1
| 2
| 1,622,495,270
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/npdes8/i_cant_see_whats_wrong_with_you_but_im_sure_its/
|
npdes8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NoWingedHussarsToday
|
top_all
|
William Tell, William Tell, he shot an arrow, but not very well. William Tell, William Tell, he watched in frustration as the apple fell.
| 245
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,611,358,239
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l2zywj/william_tell_william_tell_he_shot_an_arrow_but/
|
l2zywj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Mr-Pie100
|
top_all
|
When my little brother was about eight years old, he ran all the way home – crying and terrified – to tell us that he had found a ‘’burnt, hacked off pecker’’ in the woods… When my dad went to investigate, we laughed our asses off to find that it was just a discarded big black dildo.
| 245
| 0.98
| 6
| 1,723,461,821
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1eqb4l6/when_my_little_brother_was_about_eight_years_old/
|
1eqb4l6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Marandajo93
|
top_all
|
I recently adopted a sheep. His name is Robert but he goes by Baaaaaab.
| 244
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,731,275,494
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gobyzc/i_recently_adopted_a_sheep/
|
1gobyzc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ludachris32
|
top_all
|
I was enjoying singing along with the Phantom In Phantom of the Opera Until the other actors on stage began to give me weird looks.
| 244
| 0.98
| 21
| 1,587,461,386
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/g5c4qa/i_was_enjoying_singing_along_with_the_phantom_in/
|
g5c4qa
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I posted a picture of my bathroom to Reddit, not realizing I'd left a bottle of TUMS in front of the mirror. I got banned for posting smut.
| 244
| 1
| 3
| 1,752,760,319
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1m2843s/i_posted_a_picture_of_my_bathroom_to_reddit_not/
|
1m2843s
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SonicLoverDS
|
top_all
|
"And now, for my third and final wish..." I just have to know: was Ea-Nasir's copper really that low quality?
| 244
| 0.97
| 3
| 1,732,441,670
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gynfpy/and_now_for_my_third_and_final_wish/
|
1gynfpy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Gold-Bat7322
|
top_all
|
I feel like Pokemon indigo league teaches kids good lessons. Like, "If you had only loved your pet more it wouldn't have died, ya loser!"
| 244
| 0.99
| 11
| 1,591,628,616
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gz0ywe/i_feel_like_pokemon_indigo_league_teaches_kids/
|
gz0ywe
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
makejokesandchewgum
|
top_all
|
One of my coworkers told me his doctor diagnosed him as sterile. "I think it must run in my family, because my Mom said my father was too", he added.
| 244
| 1
| 10
| 1,746,030,983
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kbkyfc/one_of_my_coworkers_told_me_his_doctor_diagnosed/
|
1kbkyfc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheRaincrow
|
top_all
|
After using my first wish to wish that nobody on Earth knew Spanish, I used my second wish to wish that I ONLY knew Spanish. Estoy viviendo el sueño del introvertido.
| 244
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,742,774,543
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jido4b/after_using_my_first_wish_to_wish_that_nobody_on/
|
1jido4b
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DumpsterDragon818
|
top_all
|
I was having an argument in the shower The shampoo won
| 243
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,615,294,636
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m15u05/i_was_having_an_argument_in_the_shower/
|
m15u05
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
chees_lore
|
top_all
|
They say studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That’s why I own 10 guns In case some damn maniac tries to sneak in a ladder in my house.
| 243
| 0.97
| 13
| 1,625,947,032
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ohpofv/they_say_studies_show_that_keeping_a_ladder/
|
ohpofv
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Your_friendly_weirdo
|
top_all
|
I'm going to buy a new bed for my cat. Not sure if I should get a PC or a Mac.
| 243
| 1
| 3
| 1,580,771,252
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/eyfwi8/im_going_to_buy_a_new_bed_for_my_cat/
|
eyfwi8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
Have you heard about the new movie 'Constipation'? Yeah it hasn't come out yet.
| 243
| 0.96
| 8
| 1,596,267,532
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i1oeh9/have_you_heard_about_the_new_movie_constipation/
|
i1oeh9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I went to a wedding last year on top of a mountain. Poor couple, it was all downhill from there.
| 242
| 1
| 5
| 1,626,264,142
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ok2wm3/i_went_to_a_wedding_last_year_on_top_of_a_mountain/
|
ok2wm3
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
nelldog
|
top_all
|
"Do not use elevator, snakes found in the shaft, pest control scheduled" I really wish they had been smart enough to put that sign on the OUTSIDE of the elevator, not the inside
| 241
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,740,667,004
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1izh70l/do_not_use_elevator_snakes_found_in_the_shaft/
|
1izh70l
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
dickcheney600
|
top_all
|
"Well Gary died doing what he loved." "He just loved driving that school bus."
| 241
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,622,191,677
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nmteo0/well_gary_died_doing_what_he_loved/
|
nmteo0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
What does my heart, soul, bank and balls all have in common? They're empty and, my wife doesn't know.
| 241
| 1
| 8
| 1,617,566,286
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mk3ktp/what_does_my_heart_soul_bank_and_balls_all_have/
|
mk3ktp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
anon9876543210nymous
|
top_all
|
[DEC2020] Sitting on Santa's lap is fun because of all the places you get to see... After all, you're visiting Lap-land.
| 241
| 0.98
| 12
| 1,608,518,494
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kh8ady/dec2020_sitting_on_santas_lap_is_fun_because_of/
|
kh8ady
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
thealiagator111
|
top_all
|
"Paper, or Plastic?" NOT the question you want to hear when you ask someone if they'd have sex with you with a bag over your head.
| 240
| 1
| 8
| 1,611,955,727
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l84sgq/paper_or_plastic/
|
l84sgq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
myfailedimagination
|
top_all
|
I nearly started a stampede at the veterinarian’s today when I called my puppy over. Maybe naming my new dog Fire wasn’t a great idea...
| 240
| 1
| 4
| 1,616,849,713
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/med8us/i_nearly_started_a_stampede_at_the_veterinarians/
|
med8us
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
GuyAwks
|
top_all
|
I was feeling so down because I felt no one cared, I went to the library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian told me to read it there at the desk.
| 240
| 0.84
| 34
| 1,726,964,849
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fmgy8p/i_was_feeling_so_down_because_i_felt_no_one_cared/
|
1fmgy8p
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheRaincrow
|
top_all
|
"I've ffound twfenty eightf dollarfs under my pfillow! Wasfn't a good idea to sfleep with my head under the pfillow, as Tooth Ffairy took all my toofth..."
| 239
| 0.95
| 14
| 1,753,290,314
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1m7evc7/ive_ffound_twfenty_eightf_dollarfs_under_my/
|
1m7evc7
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
PvzdbDeix
|
top_all
|
Doctor assured me that he performed dozens of surgeries like mine. Then he muttered "At this point one is bound to succeed."
| 239
| 1
| 9
| 1,624,920,959
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/o9vhwq/doctor_assured_me_that_he_performed_dozens_of/
|
o9vhwq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NoWingedHussarsToday
|
top_all
|
I woke up in a panic to find a giant roach lodged in my ear.... Man, I really need to have a talk with my roommate about finding better ways of disposing of his joints after he smokes them.
| 239
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,614,357,225
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lt1fgp/i_woke_up_in_a_panic_to_find_a_giant_roach_lodged/
|
lt1fgp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CKO1967
|
top_all
|
I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the hideous monster. I really shouldn't have a mirror by my bed
| 239
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,588,255,169
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gaw69f/i_woke_up_in_the_middle_of_the_night_and_saw_the/
|
gaw69f
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ferrisjuulersdayoff
|
top_all
|
“I should stop”, the immortal god thought to himself. “I’ve fucked so many humans on this planet that 99% of them are now my children and grandchildren.”
| 238
| 0.96
| 16
| 1,628,979,281
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/p4hb1y/i_should_stop_the_immortal_god_thought_to_himself/
|
p4hb1y
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
I wonder if Joseph ever sat and thought, 'God made Adam from nothing more than the mud and dust.' 'So why did he have to fuck my wife?!'
| 237
| 0.97
| 1
| 1,639,829,990
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/rj6dv8/i_wonder_if_joseph_ever_sat_and_thought_god_made/
|
rj6dv8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
oldhandnewmind
|
top_all
|
Funny how the taste of grease brings me back to the good old days. When I would put my hair in my mouth.
| 237
| 0.95
| 8
| 1,610,843,535
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kyv95m/funny_how_the_taste_of_grease_brings_me_back_to/
|
kyv95m
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Character-Dingo8762
|
top_all
|
I played the record backwards, drew the pentagram, timed the ritual when Saturn opposed the Sun at midnight during the winter solstice, and folded my arms with a smirk. Then Satan kicked me in the balls and muttered, “Damn prank callers.”
| 237
| 1
| 5
| 1,749,477,821
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1l75n63/i_played_the_record_backwards_drew_the_pentagram/
|
1l75n63
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Time_to_Ride
|
top_all
|
"Go on without me," I gasped, collapsing on the bench, "I don’t think I’ll make it." “Stop being dramatic,” my wife said, “there’s only one store left.”
| 237
| 0.98
| 6
| 1,754,407,544
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1mic8cy/go_on_without_me_i_gasped_collapsing_on_the_bench/
|
1mic8cy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
LevelQx
|
top_all
|
The whole world, especially the Christians, heralded the second coming of Jesus while the other religions looked on in dismay. *video-footage of Jesus jacking off again*
| 237
| 0.94
| 10
| 1,618,061,994
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mo4vs8/the_whole_world_especially_the_christians/
|
mo4vs8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
wondererSkull
|
top_all
|
I befriended the quiet kid at school today and he told me to stay at home the next day That day he gave mint chocolate chips cookies to everyone
| 237
| 0.97
| 19
| 1,587,582,314
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/g676w8/i_befriended_the_quiet_kid_at_school_today_and_he/
|
g676w8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
kingbaconboi
|
top_all
|
My child came out to me as non-binary, and I was so proud that they were being true to themselves. I then found out she was telling me she didn’t want to work in IT any more.
| 236
| 0.98
| 16
| 1,636,577,442
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/qr3upz/my_child_came_out_to_me_as_nonbinary_and_i_was_so/
|
qr3upz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
RedWestern
|
top_all
|
What type of jokes does death prefer? The grim ones.
| 236
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,622,728,848
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nre7mp/what_type_of_jokes_does_death_prefer/
|
nre7mp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
May-be-Ictos
|
top_all
|
My friend: "my dick has curse of vanishing" Me: " I thinks that's called erectile disfunction"
| 236
| 0.93
| 5
| 1,593,819,717
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hkthaw/my_friend_my_dick_has_curse_of_vanishing/
|
hkthaw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ItZyAbOyMiKe
|
top_all
|
“Yes, I do have a plan for each of you,” said God to the devout Christians. “It’s called ‘Wing It And See What Happens’.”
| 235
| 0.97
| 1
| 1,620,912,247
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nbgk1y/yes_i_do_have_a_plan_for_each_of_you_said_god_to/
|
nbgk1y
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
"Hey could you pass the potatoes?" I ask while at the dinner table. "Sure thing!" My brother says, walking right by it and into the other room.
| 235
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,726,351,453
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fgx7aw/hey_could_you_pass_the_potatoes_i_ask_while_at/
|
1fgx7aw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tekigami
|
top_all
|
That uranium bar was so radioactive I could have counted it's atomic number on one hand
| 235
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,707,402,806
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1alx1qp/that_uranium_bar_was_so_radioactive_i_could_have/
|
1alx1qp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Malabrace
|
top_all
|
"I think therefore I am" I declared. In response, every nonthinking thing in the universe ceased to be.
| 235
| 0.91
| 14
| 1,732,377,993
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gy2zvd/i_think_therefore_i_am_i_declared/
|
1gy2zvd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Mckinlee27onreddit
|
top_all
|
Home Delivey of food was getting both expensive and risky. Home quarantine was when The Hannibal started doubting his lifestyle.
| 235
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,594,048,188
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hm9dj2/home_delivey_of_food_was_getting_both_expensive/
|
hm9dj2
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
noespressoisdepresso
|
top_all
|
With social distancing we'll have to figure out a way to high five each other without touching. A wi-five
| 234
| 0.97
| 5
| 1,585,423,373
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fqqlt9/with_social_distancing_well_have_to_figure_out_a/
|
fqqlt9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
normelpersan
|
top_all
|
"You will die in seven days if you put down the phone or the line goes dead," a strange coarse voice said on the phone. "But now that I have you on the phone anyways," She continued clearing her throat, "would you mind answering a few short questions about your service provider?"
| 234
| 1
| 3
| 1,746,793,976
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kihcb6/you_will_die_in_seven_days_if_you_put_down_the/
|
1kihcb6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
54321RUN
|
top_all
|
Congratulations on your graduation, that’s the same degree and major that I did! Now did you say you wanted large or extra large fries with that?
| 234
| 0.97
| 12
| 1,738,445,613
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ifgzuk/congratulations_on_your_graduation_thats_the_same/
|
1ifgzuk
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
YakClear601
|
top_all
|
Since I’m a mechanic I spend lots of time at work just jacking it into the air. I also use the hydraulic jack pretty much every day.
| 234
| 0.98
| 6
| 1,614,087,932
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lqiqzs/since_im_a_mechanic_i_spend_lots_of_time_at_work/
|
lqiqzs
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IOughtToBeThrownAway
|
top_all
|
Sitting at the bar, Finnigan O'Sullivan was telling everyone in the tavern the tale of how he wrestled a leprechaun last night and nearly made off with its pot of gold. Meanwhile, in the pub across the street, "Tiny" Tom O'Hara was recounting how some drunken idiot broke into his home the previous evening and tried to steal his toilet.
| 234
| 1
| 5
| 1,616,077,201
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m7rtz0/sitting_at_the_bar_finnigan_osullivan_was_telling/
|
m7rtz0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
I don't know if it was because of the man-thong, or that I kept looking behind them and asking if they were alone. But those Jehovah's witnesses didn't stay very long.
| 234
| 0.99
| 5
| 1,590,163,221
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/golzs2/i_dont_know_if_it_was_because_of_the_manthong_or/
|
golzs2
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
makejokesandchewgum
|
top_all
|
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
| 233
| 1
| 8
| 1,731,879,514
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gtoevp/two_antennas_met_on_a_roof_fell_in_love_and_got/
|
1gtoevp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ludachris32
|
top_all
|
As a kid, I accidentally pooped on the floor at church Holy shit!
| 233
| 0.94
| 17
| 1,585,143,211
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/foqccj/as_a_kid_i_accidentally_pooped_on_the_floor_at/
|
foqccj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
“I’m sorry, but as a socialist I cannot work with a centrist liberal such as you, as in my opinion, you are as bad as the far right” “Well that’s all very well, but it doesn’t change the fact that we are both in this prison camp, and the toilet buckets need emptying”
| 233
| 0.91
| 4
| 1,739,964,231
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1it399m/im_sorry_but_as_a_socialist_i_cannot_work_with_a/
|
1it399m
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
fadedhalo10
|
top_all
|
“Daaaad, I don’t like my sister!” “Okay son, just eat your vegetables and leave the rest on the plate.”
| 233
| 0.96
| 22
| 1,635,525,606
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/qigwh5/daaaad_i_dont_like_my_sister/
|
qigwh5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Ace-a-Nova1
|
top_all
|
“Now watch as I fuck a REAL man” she said Pinocchio cried
| 233
| 1
| 7
| 1,642,761,467
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/s97xek/now_watch_as_i_fuck_a_real_man_she_said/
|
s97xek
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DanfordThePom
|
top_all
|
Depressed people always say their life is a joke. Personally mine isn't because jokes have meaning.
| 233
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,582,345,047
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/f7nf7f/depressed_people_always_say_their_life_is_a_joke/
|
f7nf7f
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
mrhdacosta
|
top_all
|
“Are you fucking idiots!?” “Of course not; our spouses are geniuses!”
| 232
| 0.99
| 10
| 1,634,727,582
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/qby7b0/are_you_fucking_idiots/
|
qby7b0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KailTheDryad
|
top_all
|
Eating babies is something of an acquired taste. First you've got to 'acquire' them and then you can taste them.
| 232
| 0.97
| 7
| 1,613,545,927
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/llolru/eating_babies_is_something_of_an_acquired_taste/
|
llolru
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I buried my best porn in a time capsule. For the generations to come.
| 232
| 0.99
| 2
| 1,640,054,455
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/rl43si/i_buried_my_best_porn_in_a_time_capsule/
|
rl43si
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
MxHxM
|
top_all
|
I heard a noise outside and woke with a start. \*shart
| 232
| 0.99
| 5
| 1,586,116,065
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fvjzpr/i_heard_a_noise_outside_and_woke_with_a_start/
|
fvjzpr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
mydadsnameisharold
|
top_all
|
I had no choice but to send my child to conversion camp. The last straw was when they started referring to The Green Mile as The Green Kilometre.
| 232
| 0.99
| 3
| 1,632,567,926
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/pv4ooh/i_had_no_choice_but_to_send_my_child_to/
|
pv4ooh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
Honestly, I believe we all can agree on one thing... People who enjoy selfcest can go fuck themselves.
| 232
| 0.98
| 7
| 1,570,287,649
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ddobae/honestly_i_believe_we_all_can_agree_on_one_thing/
|
ddobae
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
What would it mean if you would be attracted to shadows? You would be into shady people.
| 231
| 0.98
| 3
| 1,622,658,767
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nqsrdb/what_would_it_mean_if_you_would_be_attracted_to/
|
nqsrdb
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Noanaomy
|
top_all
|
I went to the my brother's grave who was killed in action His last words in the trench's told by his fellows turned out to be " I prefer ass "
| 231
| 0.89
| 11
| 1,596,563,257
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i3nzx9/i_went_to_the_my_brothers_grave_who_was_killed_in/
|
i3nzx9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
arrivederchijojo
|
top_all
|
I can’t help but laugh every time I see my neighbor’s WiFi name. ‘FOffGetYourOwnWiFi’.
| 231
| 0.95
| 27
| 1,609,790,702
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kqgmjh/i_cant_help_but_laugh_every_time_i_see_my/
|
kqgmjh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
timelordderpy
|
top_all
|
The first time I had sex was an unique experience Too bad it remained an unique experience
| 231
| 0.99
| 21
| 1,578,860,277
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ensqtd/the_first_time_i_had_sex_was_an_unique_experience/
|
ensqtd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BigNigga07
|
top_all
|
President's medical report states that his penis resembles a shriveled French fry. In other words, a dick tater.
| 231
| 0.96
| 3
| 1,744,734,249
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jzw5dt/presidents_medical_report_states_that_his_penis/
|
1jzw5dt
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
meesterincogneato77
|
top_all
|
My entrepreneurial young son just told me he’s made 100,000 bucks using my iPad. Now I just need him to explain to me what “V-Bucks” and “Fortnite” are.
| 230
| 0.96
| 8
| 1,590,212,861
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gozpqh/my_entrepreneurial_young_son_just_told_me_hes/
|
gozpqh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
GuyAwks
|
top_all
|
Baby shoes for sale, never worn. Damn my baby's big feet that cannot fit newborn size
| 230
| 0.95
| 4
| 1,622,092,896
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nm0b5v/baby_shoes_for_sale_never_worn/
|
nm0b5v
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
rockaether
|
top_all
|
I have a bumper that says "Honk if you think im sexy" I wait in front of a green light to boost my selfesteem
| 230
| 0.98
| 7
| 1,632,351,163
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/pthvmx/i_have_a_bumper_that_says_honk_if_you_think_im/
|
pthvmx
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
AemiliusH
|
top_all
|
I got into a fight with my mime girlfriend. She had nothing to say for herself.
| 230
| 1
| 7
| 1,627,285,686
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/oru2pt/i_got_into_a_fight_with_my_mime_girlfriend/
|
oru2pt
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
PrettyHotPotatoPapi
|
top_all
|
My wife put the Christmas tree up herself this year. I told her the living room was a better place but of course she didn't listen.
| 229
| 0.97
| 11
| 1,733,465,186
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1h7ut3r/my_wife_put_the_christmas_tree_up_herself_this/
|
1h7ut3r
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheGreatGameDini
|
top_all
|
I thought it was a polite to open a door for a women. But all she did was scream and fly out of the train.
| 229
| 0.97
| 9
| 1,743,215,085
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jmcavp/i_thought_it_was_a_polite_to_open_a_door_for_a/
|
1jmcavp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Crabkingrocks165
|
top_all
|
Finally, an original twosentencehorror that doesn't end with "I live alone..."! Sorry, this post has been removed by the moderators of r/TwoSentenceHorror
| 229
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,640,360,502
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/rnor1y/finally_an_original_twosentencehorror_that_doesnt/
|
rnor1y
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SuperJRock
|
top_all
|
"You said you were home with a sore throat and now I find you touching this pony inappropriately?!" shrieked my wife. "No, I said I was feeling a little horse."
| 229
| 1
| 9
| 1,636,493,457
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/qqduh5/you_said_you_were_home_with_a_sore_throat_and_now/
|
qqduh5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
mugwort23
|
top_all
|
Please don’t tell me I needed to specify children’s toys. The magazine wasn’t even child friendly.
| 229
| 0.92
| 13
| 1,593,545,538
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hiuelj/please_dont_tell_me_i_needed_to_specify_childrens/
|
hiuelj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
drawer564
|
top_all
|
The Trader Joe's frozen kale package says "Keep frozen," so I did. Kind of hurting my teeth, though.
| 228
| 0.97
| 4
| 1,740,505,172
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1iy0shx/the_trader_joes_frozen_kale_package_says_keep/
|
1iy0shx
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DobroGaida
|
top_all
|
My dentist, in a calm voice, said: "Don't worry, Alex. I know this is your first time but I promise you everything will go smooth and fine" I told him that my name was not Alex and he swiftly answered: "Of I know. I am Alex"
| 228
| 0.96
| 4
| 1,724,316,668
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1eyefna/my_dentist_in_a_calm_voice_said_dont_worry_alex_i/
|
1eyefna
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
euromoneyz
|
top_all
|
They say that pouring the milk in the bowl first is a sign you're a psychopath. I only do it when the milk is near the expiry date to avoid the real cereal killer.
| 228
| 0.98
| 21
| 1,744,639,599
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jyzptt/they_say_that_pouring_the_milk_in_the_bowl_first/
|
1jyzptt
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
Excuse me, could you keep your voice down? I'm trying to watch the TV The professor was shocked, and removed me from the online video lesson group.
| 228
| 0.94
| 13
| 1,587,049,912
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/g2gqez/excuse_me_could_you_keep_your_voice_down_im/
|
g2gqez
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
After the mortician finished his lunch, and payed his bill, the waitress said "Thanks for coming in, but I hope I dont see you again anytime soon!" The mortician grinned back at her, and replied "At least not on business!"
| 227
| 0.97
| 7
| 1,590,520,395
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gr3hfk/after_the_mortician_finished_his_lunch_and_payed/
|
gr3hfk
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
"My eyes are so big from how much i cried today...", said the husband. "Well, you should have pissed instead", said his wife
| 227
| 0.94
| 2
| 1,747,175,019
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1klzars/my_eyes_are_so_big_from_how_much_i_cried_today/
|
1klzars
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KiwiiiJuice
|
top_all
|
Suicide is very hard to comprehend. The thought of shooting yourself in the head is just mind blowing.
| 227
| 0.96
| 8
| 1,572,753,387
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/dqvh5e/suicide_is_very_hard_to_comprehend/
|
dqvh5e
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Peanut_Butt3r675
|
top_all
|
"I'd like a word with you." "Bayou."
| 226
| 1
| 8
| 1,622,447,096
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/noxtjs/id_like_a_word_with_you/
|
noxtjs
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NathanielleS
|
top_all
|
My wife and dog have suddenly gone missing! There is a reward for finding the dog.
| 226
| 0.93
| 4
| 1,592,070,794
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/h8c6gw/my_wife_and_dog_have_suddenly_gone_missing/
|
h8c6gw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
"You are NOT leaving this room until you find Jesus." "I don't care how the name is pronounced, just get that tarantula back in its terrarium."
| 225
| 1
| 29
| 1,651,845,442
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ujo21b/you_are_not_leaving_this_room_until_you_find_jesus/
|
ujo21b
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
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